Me, yet again another flattering shot of size.
Me with couple of bands i work with and are friends with
(Gotta love when the power goes off and your blog saves what your wrote.... i would have gone spastic if i had lost all of this!)
Back to it....
Im the token fat friend.... all of my friends are toothpicks and have the most wonderful wardrobes because they can fit them.... i walk amongst the beautiful people and it can really depress you sometimes..... when i go out with them although everyone is looking at them and how stunning they are they look at me and go OMG what is that beast doing there. I think i dress really well for my size and most of the time before i go out i look in the mirror and go 'YEP you look great!' but it now has gotten to the point where i feel like it limits me way to much... my friends go to the beach and i dont want to do or i wont go to a party because its too hot and i dont want to look like a sweaty beast.Some girlfriends
I also sing.... my weight has stopped me working with bands and pursuing this because i dont feel like id have the energy or confidence to get up on stage.
My dreams.... (iam a very driven person and goal orientated) are to be a rock star or jazz/soul singer singing is a quaint bar, an interior designer, a stylist, a band producer, a makeup artist... the list goes on and on.... my weight holds me back from alot of these things... im hoping when i start feeling better in my skin i will reach some of this CRAZY dreams, they might be crazy but hey ill give it a go at trying to make them come true!
I didnt always used to be big... when i was 16-17 i went to the gym everyday and ate really well and i was gorgeous (of course i thought i was fat then), i was blonde and stunning (ill show some photos later on) people dont even think its me when they see the photos. I loved the gym and i miss exercising as i loved the adrenalin i would get from it. I am now just too big to feel like i can move like i used to.... my goal is to loose a certain amount so i can get back to the fitness side of things.
Im a manic depressant and the depression had a huge affect on my weight... as i would get older it would get worse and i had my worst episode when i was 19 which triggered the weight gain. I have my depression under good control now, sometimes i have bad days or bad weeks but all in all i can read my body alot better now so i have been able to control most episodes.
I dont like to think we live in a superficial world but i know we do.... there are superficial reasoning's for me to have had this surgery as well as health reasons. I want to be the TRUE Ashlee, not the one that has been putting on a front for the past 6 years.... its now time to truly be me and enjoy my body.
There is alot more into my history but as for now i think that says alot about who i am....
There are so many good things to come out of this decision but probably the process for the first few months will feel long and hard because i want everything here and now. I must be patient and keep telling myself that.