Reflecting...

What a day.... for the most of it, it was horrid.

Its days like today that rear my ugly depressions head and thats scary. I like to think that i have created a more healthier mind as the years go on and yes i have gained a lot more control then i had about 4 years ago but that doesnt mean it has gone away... it wont ever go away but it may just never be as severe as what it was at some points.

It makes me sad that i think some of the things that i think. I dont value my life on days like today and that scares me.... i can sit and question for hours on end whats the point. Family and friends become irrelevant in circumstances like that. All the things i want to achieve or what i have achieved seem pointless and i want to placed in a box with no opens and put away into a quiet corner for forever.

My contradiction kicks me a lot.... i dont think i deserve a lot of good things, a lot of the time i dont think i deserve anything decent and yet on the other hand i think i deserve more then most with some of the things i have struggled with but i dont like to play the woe is me card.

Love is dangerous.... maybe love is even more dangerous when you dont know what it is... i dont know what it is, i know how to love my family and friends to an extent but i have never loved enough to want to jump infront of a bullet for someone.

Life sometimes is like a cliche movie... i go about doing what i do on a daily basis and i see people in love sharing their time with one another and knowing that there is some kind of safety in the fact that you have someone else to rely on. I have myself to rely on... its been that way for a long long time and maybe i wouldnt even know how to let someone to do things for me or look after me but it might be an adventure to try.

Im fearful that i wont find love.... because its one of the pleasures of this world and if i left without experiencing it then what would have been the point. Dont they say...'all you need is love'.

The fact that i was rejected again today is just another way of me putting another layer of brick work around me which will make it even harder for someone to break my brick wall down. I didnt want to cry and i had thought i had prepared myself for it.... knowing it was going to happen but having that hope that 'hey maybe this time it will be different'. It wasnt different.... and this is exactly why i rarely put myself out there. I had dreams of the future with this particular boy because i could see safety and happiness in the fact that we enjoyed and valued the same things.... we saw life through the same eyes and sharing your life with someone like that would be good.
I wonder what is so wrong with me... then i think about all those little inner demons and hidden secrets that know one knows about and i tell myself that i dont deserve someone anyway.

They say you truly have to love yourself before someone can love you... maybe there is truth in this as most of the times i struggle to like myself... I cant understand my mind... how will anyone else?

I needed to write all this down... its like getting a breathe of fresh air. Sitting in my house alone with only a couple of lights on, doing the washing and cleaning the dishes as any good person should do but wondering what it would be like to be like all those other people i see sharing their lives with someone....
LEts hope tomorrow brings a better day.


So thats my vent..... the only plus side today was that i left the office to clear my head and i wanted to go shoppping to distract myself... i tried on a super cute dress but of course it wouldnt do up in the back... but i took photos to show people how potentially cute it could have been.

I dont like blue but i did like this.... it was so pretty... its so sad that it didnt do up in the back.
A full shot
This was what i wore for when the boy came over... i was so worried i wouldnt look right...
I took these photos last week.... im not sure when this was or why i was taking the photos but i felt really good about myself at that point, i felt like it was really showing that changes were happening to me.
ME infront of the mirror at the same time of above...

A couple of you have said 'you dont look like you need the surgery at all' i promise you if you met me in person you would see it.... im good at taking flattering shots but im a lot bigger then you think. There would have been no way i would have had the surgery if i didnt think it was absolutely necessary. Ill have the balls oneday to show my before photo .....

Thanks to anyone who read this and thanks to Maria, Dee, Alyce and Blossom who wrote nice things to me that did make me feel better in my previous posts from today.... i find a lot of comfort from you guys out there.

Ash