Friday, September 2, 2011


I quit my job yesterday.....

After 3 years here im going.... the new owners depress the crap out of me.

Do i have another job to go to? No.... but its ok i think ill be alright.

Send me positive vibes yo!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011



I feel like im sending myself nutty.

I cant get control.... i miss that time when i used to exercise and actually enjoy it. My motivation is 0 and i keep trying to kick start it back into gear but im struggling.

Stupid winter is kicking me hard... i just want to sleep. The boyfriend wakes up at 4:30am every morning and for me its just putting me out of whack as i go back to sleep after he's awake at 4;30 but then when i wake up again im tired still.

I read an article on staying positive and how it keeps you healthy.... *HURRDUUURGGHH* but in saying that reading it has reinforced how i feel about everything.

Maybe i should get another fill?

I hate that i love food so much.

Look... im going insane!

You see those cupcakes..... yeah thats whats screwing me over! I BLAME THE CUPCAKES!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Sleep... where art thou?

Ok.... currently feel like death.

This is not helping anything.

Had dramas with the BF last night which i worked my titties off trying to fix as i always do.... maybe oneday ill explain my situation with him clearly and all you ladies can reassure me that he is like every other male out there.

Get this though..... we were joking around this morning... he was running late for work and decided to just to not go in (he does this often) and i said to him "arent you lucky to have such a nice easy life where you can come and go and be carefree" and he's reply was "yeah everything except for you" he thought it was hilarious... pointing out that im the only thing that makes he's life shit at the moment.
When stuff between us is so edgy and he makes me feel like the worst gf in the world, that joke right there.... was the worst thing he could have done.

I love him but its so hard sometimes.

So now.... im at work ... tired and miserable.... i hate my job more than anything at the moment so its such a struggle dealing with all this... i just dont want to be here.

Sorry this is such an unrelated post.

So unmotivated right now.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

So.. What now?!

Ha! If only i knew....

Staying positive.... keeping my head above the water it seems.

I had booked in to see my surgeon but i cancelled.... i really want to give this a good hot go on my own without another fill as i suffer from getting stuck quite a bit now.

I feel the full feeling coming back again with the assistance of coffee ahahahah.

I will give myself ONE MONTH...... HERE THAT LADIES... ONE MONTH.... if you notice me on here a month later and im not reporting any changes then off to the surgeon i go.

How hard is it to get back into exercise?! I am working on it... i will get better... i got to such a stage of fitness before that it didnt feel like as much effort now im back to square one im having to push through the crappy part to feel it paying off.

The boyfriend has gained weight since we have been together.... i think he looks sexier than ever but its affecting him a lot.

We have a healthy eating plan during the week that i have outlined for both of us and he is honest if he slips up.... we also try and push eachother to exercise for 30mins each day. It hurts when he is so upset about his size.... he was a size small now he is a medium... LOL! I try to explain to him i have had weight issues my whole life so i know how hard it is but how lucky he is because he should be able to shed it relatively quickly.

So at least we are pushing eachother.... he tries... (i mean TRIES lol) to stop me from eating to much chocolate but it usually fails lol. ITS MY FLAW.

On a more fun note.... We said we loved eachother last night..... we had been going through a really rough run and i feel like this has pulled us out.

i cried when he told me... LOL LAME!

We are cute...... we went out for dinner somewhere special last night to have some fun as we had been in a rut.

Also.... so you are all aware he moved in with me 4 months into our relationship...... so its been rocky because of that but its getting a lot better.

Things are good. I just need to refocus on whats important.

I feel good journaling..... this is good for my mind too.... i need to vent and I missed this.

Ps. I still think i look pretty good.... just not as comfortable as before.... clothes are getting that tighter :-\

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Where am i at now?

Good question.....

I have gained..... in many ways :-\

I have been with the boyfriend now for 6 months.... and dont get me wrong it hasnt been smooth sailing but we certainly did get comfortable with eachother.

Ive gained since being with him 10-13 kilos :-( what a disapointment. Im very glad i am a aware and doing something about it though.

I havent been able to afford to see my surgeon so now i am on my way back to healthy eating and exercising like i did before.
I know what the problem was..... being sad and depressed from my work led me to eating so much more there which i have now stopped... back to healthy eating and i had completely stopped exercising in winter..... thats changed and i back to at least 30 mins a day.

Im thinking positive.... i want to try try try and focus on this blog again for the support and encouragement.... heres hoping its not all talk.

Heres a picture of the boy and i.....

Monday, May 2, 2011

Oh my i still exist...

Oh my golly.... im still alive.... i miss this place and actually need to do a proper update.

On the negative i havent lost any exciting weight since i have been here.... boo and its all my own fault as i havent exercised and i have been lazy :(

On the plus side though i have met someone and he is amazing..... i want more time in blog world... heres hoping i can write something about it all soon :)

I cant wait to look over everyones pages and see how they are x!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Photos from holiday!

If you arent sure what is going on with half of the photos read my previous post.... and also all the photos of the views from melbourne are from my hotel i was staying at i was on the 47th floor :D

so the top half are photos from Melb and a few on the bottom are recent random photos... and the photo where i look horrible and sweaty with the guy with long hair... well thats Danny Carey from Tool... so the best photo EVER!
Thanks :D
Hope you guys still like my photos ahahaha.

What happened to my blog?!

Ahahah oh well... no matters, at the moment i cant be bothered organising to fix it so it will just have to stay the way it is.

If any of you read this anymore im sorry it has been so long... im pretty hopeless and having facebook back has meant that i haven't felt the need to vent on here as much but thats a little bit of a lie, there is so much i need to get off my chest and word vomit about but it just seems silly to do so because its always the same lardidah.

I haven't weighed myself for months.... i wont let myself... im in fear it has gone up and until i feel like its gone down again im not going to step foot on it and yesterday i ate so badly right now it would be the worst decision to get back on the scales. I haven't weighed myself since before my holiday and since coming back from my holiday i have been to scared to actually jump on the scales.

I don't think i have had any huge gains but i certainly would be pretty upset if it hasn't moved to much, funnily enough without even doing much of anything i have felt like i have lost some but that's probably just kidding myself ahahaha.

Since coming back from Melbourne its changed a lot inside my head.... there is this new confidence that has come about but im not sure what it is from....

Melbourne kind of made me realise life is to short and i need to be leaving more and doing what i should be doing and not letting my body hold me back as i am beautiful.

I met two guys over in Melbourne.... 1 that i hooked up with and 1 that i was potentially meant ot hook up with when i got back to Perth but ill tell you about my Melbourne story now....

Melbourne.... oh Melbourne.... the new love of my life.... i actually do feel i must write this all down so i have a definite re cap of the amazing events of my holiday.... even though this is weeks after i got back.

Flew out on the Friday from 40degree weather into Melbourne hot weather (i was hoping it'd be nice and cool... umm no) i got into melb at about 7 at night i think and it was still light and bright until around 8:30-9pm which i kinda didn't like but thats ok... first night stayed in and ate pizza with my friends who i was staying with.
Saturday we ventured out during the day (nice and hot) and went shopping in Fitzroy i think which not to much happened but i did buy a new dress and cardigan that i now LOVE! (ill show you pictures). Came home that night and organised to go to the Croft Institute which is a bar in China Town that is hidden down an alley. We got there and it was SUPER HOT but relatively easy to find and because its unique every tourist was there possible, you drink out of syringes and stuff ahahah ti was amusing but too hot for me to enjoy myself. We then went to Cherry Bar and drank more which was fun as there was a bunch of glam rockers there who were hilarious to look at.
Sunday more shopping and late breakfast and then later that night we went to the Ding Dong Lounge for my friends gig which was yet again hot but pretty damnnn fun, met new people hung around and acted like a groupie to the band. Josh one of the guys from the band his cousin was staying with him from America and this boy was soooo nice and it was nice to meet fun different people. Id like to point out that the whole time i was in Melbourne i only met like 2 people who were actually from Melbourne... otherwise i partied with mostly people from Perth, the rest of Australia and Americans lol!
Monday was a bit more of a recovery day but we did go into the city for more shopping and it seemed it was going to be a ridiculously hot day but actually in the city it was nice and cool and we met up with a friend of mine and had lunch and we all hung out acting like idiots. That night we all had Deftones.... which omg so ridiculously excited for....
We rocked up to Deftones a little late and it was packed and hot in the venue but the venue was amazing The Palace is incredible! Anywhoo my friend Hanou was there and he was standing on the stairs in front of the sound guys which was probably one of the better positions and so i squished in with him in front of the sound desk.... i was standing next to these two guy and i asked if they were from Melb (that was my thing to do...) and they replied with no we are from Sydney and i was like ohh ok and are you only over here for Deftones and the guy directly next to me was like ummmm nah im here doing Tools lighting.... when he said this i gave him i a dirty look and was all like yeahhhh right buddy you wish.... so we stood around for a little and then i needed to go to the loo so i walked through everyone to the toilets and then tried to make my way back to my friends.... well anyways this crazy skinhead guy wouldn't let me through, he was huge and was having a go at me for being late and how i didn't deserve it and how i would block his friends view (which i wasn't doing int he first place) it all got pretty aggressive and i was freaking out a little thinking this guy was about to deck me.... everyone else was watching which was super embarrassing... i told him i wasn't even from melb and flew over for these guys and if he could not be a prick and let me in thatd be appreciative... so anyways finally he looks at his mate and is like "what do ya reckon man?!" and they finally stepped aside and let me in.... assholes when i got back to my spot everyone was all asking me if i was ok aahahah. So anyways i stood next to the guys i was with before and the guy with the long hair (who was pretty damnn hot) turned to me and told me he was going to get more drinks and to save his spot... i said cool no worries. Deftones started playing and he wasn't back so i was hanging with his friend who was cool.... it was so hot in the venue we were all sweating our balls off it was nasty.... so anyways the cute guy with long hair who had told me he worked for Tools lighting crew ended up not lying.... when i next looked at the stage there he wass behind stage watching Deftones... and here i was telling myself OMG YOU JUST LET THAT GUY GET AWAY..... so Deftones were amazing and it was a stupidly awesome show and im glad i saw them.... when it was all over the lighting guy came back and he started to want to talk to me but i had to leave because my friends were walking out.... when we had gotten out i was totally regretting not getting that guys number because he was a hook up for Tool arghh($&(@&$(_@ so we stood (im such a groupie). So my friends decided to get dinner at this late night Indian restaurant so i figured i hang around the front having a cigarette and see if any of these guys come out but ill make it not look so suss.
So anyways the sound guy for Deftones comes out and starts talking to me and he was very cool.... then after waiting for ages the guy with long hair ends up coming out and sees me and comes over to talk (his name is Jared by the way) anyways he tells me that his coming over to Perth for Tools lighting and if i wanna catch up to give my number to him... so that's what he does, takes my number... WINNER! he gives a polite kiss and cuddle when i leave and then that's it.... i was like a kid in a candy story so stupidly excited.
Tuesday the day was mostly spent doing nothing but the boys flew in early (mike and his brother) because they were there for TOOL like me and they met up at Tina & Kanes house so we all could go into the city together and shop and get some lunch... That night we all had booked Dracula's which was so fun! Good food, fun bunch of people and an awesome show, i got a free photo with the whole crew because we were so hilarious mucking around with them. I would recommend everyone to go to Dracula's its so much fun!
Wednesday night was TOOL night.... i booked into my super ritzy hotel and the boys and i went for lunch then to the museum and then back to our hotels for naps....
The boys met me at my hotel to catch a cab to Tool and we lined up in the unexpected heat.. it was so hot waiting to go in we were all sweating and i made myself look pretty for nothing. Then we ran when we go in to get a good standing position.... in all honesty it was so uncomfortable waiting for them to come on but in the end it was so worth it... i was standing next to some cool guys from Adelaide that were fun! After seeing Tool.... WHO WERE AMAZING.... we caught a taxi to Cherry Bar to have a drink because it was close to our hotels. We all ended up getting smashed drunk at this bar and i met a boy who i ended up hooking up with.... and said boy i was hooking up with told me that two of the guys from Tool just walked in... i was like WHHATTTTTTTTTT so i ended up drinking with Danny Carey and Justin Chancellor from Tool... i cant express how crazy this is on this blog.... my life was now complete. So i was stupid drunk and hooking up with this guy and he kept pressuring me to go back to my hotel... and i was like nah (i didn't know him from a bar of soap) so mike ended up rescuing me and taking me back to my hotel where we frolicked the whole way because we were so spun out we got to meet the guys from Tool.
Thursday.... so hung over and tired.... at this stage i had been out until 5am nearly every morning since i had been in Melbourne so i was surprised i was still surviving. Went shopping on Chapel street with the boys and found some good buys. That night was my only chilled night to stay in my hotel and Josh ended up inviting me to his for that night so i ended up catching public transport on my own to his place in Brunswick which was an adventure in itself ahahaha then i came back to my hotel, watched Fantasia and had a bath and ate bad food... it was awesome!
Friday i was meant to fly out but i had changed my flights so that i could hang out for one more night to watch Kanes band for one last time because they were breaking up.
Went to Yah Yahs that night and drank to much too quick... there were mini floods where we were going and it was crazy.... i was beginning to get sick... everything finally was catching up with me and i felt a little miserable but i still ended up having fun.... when they had finished playing they ended up putting on 1950's-60's old school rock n roll which was super good to listen too... so Daniel, Josh's cousin got up to dance with me which was amazing.... he was such a good dancer and it was the perfect way to end my last night in Melbourne because dancing with someone who can dance is so much fun.
Saturday went to a friends shop in Melbourne quickly before i flew out and bought a black rockabilly swing dress which is cute! Then flew out at 3pm Melbourne time.... i was pretty sick by this time and i was lucky enough to have 2 seats to myself on the flight home... THANKGOD and i chilled out the whole flight yay.

So after all my Melbourne adventures i flew back into Perth at 4pm where the following day i had the BIG DAY OUT..... and i was so sick :(
Went to the BDO and had an amazing time... Rammstein were super rock n roll and i ended up messaging Jared the lighting guy and we saw eachother at the end of Tool where he gave me the printed off set list.... which was pretty amazing... without going into detail i couldnt see him that night as he flew out at 6am so we sent eachother some pretty naughty text messages.....

So anyways life is crazy... Melbourne was crazy and i came back seeing things differently.
Tim is driving me insane but im trying to move on from him because he needs to voice whether he likes me or not soon cause i wont stay around for him because im considering selling my house and moving to melb.

Another boy has just come out of nowhere who i haven't seen for years and blatantly told me he wants a casual thing... which i might be up for... we have had a lot of sexual tension for many years now....

Im going to do another post just of photos as this one is insane long.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Life is ridiculous... one minute its black next minute it is white.

It amazes me how quickly things can change and how the smallest thing can affect you.

I had a very eventful weekend... but it has left me feeling unsure but its not surprising as i have been feeling quite odd lately.

Last sunday i had a little bit of a break down.... (period must have brought on my fantic emotional side). I was feeling as always so perplexed by men and their actions and as to why i feel like i just will never beautiful in their eyes which is completely ridiculous.. .. i know... or maybe its the men i hang around or maybe i deliberately did my own holes because i subconsciously like the challenge? Why in the hell i would do that to myself i have no idea... i like somehow upsetting myself.

Anyways to get to the point i message a friend of mine, he is incredibly intelligent and i cant describe how amazing he is as a human being, we connect on another level and love eachother immensely for just who WE are. I message him the following-
"as you are one of the only males i know that has more clarity and sanity then others im going to ask this completely random/retarded question to one of the only makes opinions i value. Whats so wrong with me that guys just dont even see me more then a friend.. is it because im too intimidating or fat? i know it sounds cliche but its killing me and your views always enlighten me"

His reply was-
"Theres nothing wrong with you, or anyone else. Its neither a matter of them or you, just illusiounary identification with earthly traits, physicality, personality on your minds behalf, tricking you into thinking you are less worth than you actually are. When you are really worth alot more, beyond anything you can think of. You are perfect. Know this"

So after this i cried.... and cried and cried. It brought me back to reality for a whole ff i think like 4 days but yet all these horrid feelings keep creeping back in.

On friday i went out to a couple of places, firstly i saw a bunch of people i hadnt seen for a long time and they were all like OMG you look amazing Ash whats been happening blah blah so my ego was getting fed a little there.... then i went off to a gig and saw a few people (i was in a weird mood from the beginning) one being someone i didnt want to see and all his bad energy was bouncing off me and making me feel horrible but i was doing my best to ignore it. Other then that though i was getting more compliments... and mike came up to me at some point and told me bobby from one of the bands and went up to him and was like "omg you know your friend ash.... DAYYUMMmm she looks fucking hot these days" which was good....
The guy who texted me the amaizng helpful words was there and we went and hid in a corner and talked away from everyone... as he is moving away i got quite emotional and we were talking about how much we loved and appreciated eachother held hands and cried... i certainly dont do things like that in public so it was needed. So that was very special but made me feel even more confused with life and its workings....
After all this i walked back to my car.... just before i got back to my car i walked past two drunk guys and one of them turned to me and said "hey big girl you wanna go on a date with my friend here" so after all these amazing compliments all night it only took one drunk stupid stranger to bring me back to so much self hate.... within that second everything collapsed around me and i was yet again question what is the point.
Im smart enough to know that the person who said this is pointless.... someone not even worth me worrying about yet its not that easy and its something that will probably haunt me for a long time.

I like this boy... as of course i always do.... and i think i have dug myself a hole again where i like someone who blatantly doesnt share the same feelings. I dont know why i do this to myself but it is so confusing.
We went to AQWA (a huge aquarium) on Saturday with him and then we went to the new premiere of the Zeitgeist film and then back to his house.... i love his company, he makes me laugh and his ridiculously smart so i learn something new from him all the time.
I havent told him i liked him but im sure its not half obvious that i do.... so if anything were to happen im sure he would have tried it by now yet im still holding onto hope. I guess i just enjoy the company... since mike got a gf im a bit more alone and im not as good with female company... i dont find female company as stimulating as males....

Im so sick of getting myself into these situations.

2011 needs a shake up but i have no idea how to even start that.

I go on my first holiday in 2 years on friday to Melbourne and the only thing im not looking forward to is the flight as i hate being tall and having big hips on planes.

Im going to do what Alyce is doing and have basically optifast all week before i go to hopefully loose a little.
Ill attach some token random shots so this post isnt completely boring.

ps. I do still read your blogs xx

yeah... thats him.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Like really... how annoying is that time of the month.....

It is screwing with everything at the moment. Mood swings like crazy, bad eating habits, weight gain that isnt really gains because it disappears not long after its all over with.

Worst part is... im off a contraceptive and so im having my periods like normal but it is with HORRIBLE PAIN which was what it was like when i first got it in my teens.

Im home from work because i cant function at work.... thats how bad it is.

I have a big movie thing on tonight im meant to go to tonight and i dont wanna miss out because i half organised it..... so heres hoping i get better.

Stupid body... its annoying me.

Otherwise everything is ok.

Seems that time of the month ends up defining all the confusion i have a week before.

Monday, January 10, 2011

ALIVE.... yes i am. Picture heavy

Well well well..... Allo everyone.
Sorry i have been so out of the loop so much has been going on over the Christmas break its been hard to focus on anything, let alone bloggin.

So totally survived the Christmas break... here i was thinking id gain some stupid amount of weight and guess what i havent i even actually lost 1 kilo ahahah..... crazy. I actually hadnt jumped on the scales for over a month because i couldnt face it if i hadnt lost or gained... even though i havent lost much im not really phased as im getting back into things now which is good.

I dont actually have a lot to say... im ina good place with my band, somedays can eat nearly anythign you put in front of me and somedays i can barely eat anything at all.... at the moment im right in the middle but mostly swaying to the place where i have to be mindful of what goes in my mouth so it doesnt get stuck.

Still no PB episodes....which is great im not going to complain... 7 months since the surgery and i still havent had any issues there... i threw up on christmas day but it had nothing to do with the band.
Im still at that place where if i dont exercise i dont loose big numbers and i havent done anything over the christmas break so im slowly trying to ween myself back into being good and doing the hour each day that i was doing before.

New year now.... im not going to set any stupid new years goals... im going to go with the flow and set goals along the way, im hoping for new exciting this year though.

On the boy front.... nothing new always the same although more guys do pay more attention to me these days.... i still crush on a boy thats probably going nowhere anytime soon ahahaha... i did sleep with a guy the other weekend for the first time since the surgery and in all honesty i dont think it made any difference i still havent shed alot of insecurities that i have and they will probably remain for a long time.

Clothes are getting looser but i wouldnt say i have any outfits that are TOO big now... stuff still fits but looks silly because its not as fitted. I have my holiday in 3 weeks..... i wish i had lost more weight before i left to go and i know its still going to be uncomfortable on the plane as my hips still are big :( BAH! but heres hoping i can loose some more weight before i go anyways.

So i guess thats enough... heres hoping i update again sooner rather then later.

This was a shot i took the other day just after getting my hair done

Me at my BBq i held :D
Tagged pictures on facebook... i dont like my photo being taken but its not AS bad these days
Another tagged shot
Another tagged shot
Another tagged shot
Me infront of the skinny mirror
Tagged shot
this was from New years
mikes new girlfriend and i...(i approve of this one)
me and my best friend
me eating my ninja bread christmas
went to the outdoor movies and it rained ahahahah

A bullet hole i made with my make up for a last minute costume party
Lovely Liz and i!