Saturday, November 27, 2010

No pill no more...

Last weekend OPIA toured with MM9 one of my ridiculously favoourite bands from Sydney. I have followed MM9 for about 3 years and when i found out OPIA were touring i died a little. So 3 days we all hung out.
On the friday night in Bunbury i sat down with the drummer from MM9 and talked for about 2 hours about life and all its craziness..... his talk woke me up to a lot of things... it was one of the most special conversations i have had in a long time. See pics below from the fun fun.

Kym being a goof with Ebs ET chico
Ebs, Elisa and myself

Im not on the pill anymore for contraception from my doctors and i have no idea when my period is coming on...... so anyways i should just read it by the ridiculous amount of chocolate i want... the last two days have been insane.... not really bad fatty foods more so just chocolate. There we go.... ITS HERE Arghhhh.

How exciting... everyone wanted to know that.

ps. Christina Augleria (sp?) looks so so bad these days.

pps. tonight im going to my first roller derby here in WA, i have been getting fitter and have been wanting to join derby for years.

ppps. my mum gave me an awesome elliptical trainer and its hard yacker but AWESOME. I have had any weightloss but i think i have been gaining a lot of muscle heres hoping this will regulate soon.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Oh you guys....

**i wrote this yesterday but it didnt post... here we go again :D**

LOL you guys are so funny and crazy supportive.

Everyone says such nice things.... i know people look at my photos and think "she doesnt look that big, she actually looks pretty darn normal" well its LIES i tell you LIES.... the answer is simple.... im good with the camera and can take good shots. Yes these days i do look better in photos... i have less face fat which means my photos have ended up looking better which is good but trust me.... under my clothes there is some nasty shit going on. I have always been very particular with how i dress and how i do my hair to make me look smaller aahahah.

Im a photowhore.... i cant understand how i can be so angry at myself for the way i look yet take a ridiculous amount of photos of myself. With clothes on im a lot more comfortable thats for sure... :P

Its really hot in my part of the world.... just my luck to have crazy heat when im going away... ill have to wear my hair up tonight now otherwise i will sweat my little heart out. I dont like sweating... i want to be skinny and not sweat.

So i cant remmeber if i said it in my last post but i have changed my diet. Im now having optifast shakes for breakfast and lunch with a banana at morning tea and banana or grapes as an afternoon snack.... dinner i will have crumed chicken kiev with salad (the chicken is pretty fatty) which is basically it.... honestly its hard just having shakes... they are satisfying for a good amount of time but not for long long periods... i know when i have my fill this will be easier but i hope how i am eating at the moment is good and gets the scales moving a bit... i still exercise every morning but im not doing work outs twice a day.... im too tired now at night... maybe thats why the scales arent moving grrrrr.

Walking has created some gnarley nasty blisters on my feet, specially from this morning i shall attach photos.... my heals are getting so cracked its horrid... i need a good cure for this or a good pedicure or whatever they call it (you can tell i dont get them).

Finally getting my regrowth died this afternoon, my hair has been horrid... also on a fun note my melbbourne tickets are all booked for me to go ont he 28th Jan.... thats a huge motivation because wanna loose some weight before i get into that plane seat.... that is the one thing that has held me back so much from flyign is the seats.... being tall and having wide hips is horrible :( i feel like a giant freak when im on the flights... hopefully i can have a seat where im not sitting next to someone so i can sprawl out :D

I was going to post nasty pics of my blisters but i have run out of tim e:D

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Yes im here... posting with photos... oh golly!

Ok... so im back, kind of. I cant make any guarantees i will be back as much as i was. I have noticed when things are bad i dont want to admit it all to you guys so i need to walk away sort my poo out and then come back and get back to normal.

I would say the last month was a complete struggle for me emotionally and psychically with the band and everything else around me. There was a lot of stress at work which has gone away but has come back again but its ok im dealing with it better in this second round of bullshit.

The band really is a tool.... you gotta work it, if you dont then nothing happens. I feel back into old and bad habits, not completely and i would say not as bad as i would in the past but i certainly wasn't thinking clearly in the decisions of what i was eating and if i was going to exercise or not.

The PCOS may have factored slightly into this as i guess i was saddened finding out that i had it, on a plus side though after more blood tests last week it has come back that my hormone levels are a lot better and are leveling out since the weight loss. This makes me feel positive that i can change the PCOS and hopefully get everything leveled out and back to normal.

Those of you WHO SUFFER FROM PCOS do you find a lot of your weight is carried around your stomachs? Its horrid....

I got saddened the other day looking at myself naked in the mirror.... saddened by the fact i let myself destroy my body so badly... its a mess.... i think back to when i was a teenager and going to the gym and my body was amazing and now i have let it go so bad its just ridiculous. Whats good is that this hasnt made me eat more and be depressed its kicked me back up the bum to get motivated again.

My band is loose as a goose and i can eat anything really if i chew chew and chew... i still avoid bread as i think its better off not having it at all. Seeing as my band isnt tight this is incredibly hard, its all on my discipline of making sure that im doing the right thing.

I still ha vent beaten this whole head and stomach hunger, half the time i think i still eat just for the sake of eating and that is completely stupid but its the hardest nut to crack.

Work is blerg.... coming up to Christmas work is always a PIECE OF SHIT... everything always all happens at once and that sucks. Im not organised and this is causing issues, there are alot of things going on which im forgetting about and its getting me in trouble. Oh well... story of my life!

My love life... non existent... i just cant get that side of things flowing at all... i have small feelings for random boys but nothing major, my current crush is on Kym lol if i find a picture ill attach it... Anton and i are kind of drifting away which is not a bad thing and completely ok with that, he is so frustrating and i don tthink its healthy.

Cant wait for this week to be over because im going away with some bands to party Friday night.... BRING ON TOMORROW its my last day of work...

I bought my tickets to Melb through Qantas online but didnt write down my membership number so now i cant see if it confirmed the sale... Huurrrrderrrrr.

Im finally having a holiday....28th January - 4th February in Melb watching the Deftones and Tool and hanging with soem cool kids.... bring on this well overdue holiday!
Good motivation for me to keep loosing :)
I took this only the other day before i went to a meeting.
This was before i went to the hens night i had to go to.... let me just say i dont get along with bunches of women.... i really do prefer guys... mens conversations seem to stimulate me more the females chit chat.
Me in the mirror beforehand.... the outfit ended up looking super cute.I now fit some belts that i didnt used to and its been perfect because they have been making my outfits look more finished off :)
Yet again another shot...
Heres Kym... his with Tina who im going over to Melbourne to stay with.... Tina & Kane moved to melb.... which sucks because we were all havign the best fun together.... now they live too far away :( Ahaha it looks liek they are together but trust me they arent ahahah

anotherone of Tina & Kym..... i have a photo with him but i look like a bushpig so i choose not to share.

You will see i constantly have crushes on a bazillion boys.... it never follows through. I had feelings for Kym just before my birthday then he got a girlfriend and i got over it.... we went to lunch monday and are going down south together with my friend ebs for a gig this weekend... hanging out with him again is bringing back stupid feelings ahahah.

thats enough for now.

Hope all you guys are well..

ash x

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Pop in...

Still here... watching, reading and caring without words... heres hoping i post soon


Friday, November 5, 2010

So what now....

I still dont feel like venting or blogging. Although i will try to.

I cant explain whats been going on and its not all a disaster, its actually kind of ok... i got some bad news about the PCOS but then i get some relieving news the other day about something at work which i have been stressed about now for about 3 months.... now i know that i have no need to be stressed at the moment i can move on and look forward to positive things that could happen.

i dont like feeling unsettled and thats half the problem, things with work were very unsettled and it made me very confused and frustrated for my future and now that that has changed i can hopefully refocus on some important things for my future.

I have looked or stepped even close to the scales. My eating habits have been a complete failure and i havent gone anywhere fast at all. This week i have barely exercised as everything kind of felt like it was crumbling all around me.... i did a little exercise but nothing like i was doing. I know i need to go get a fill but im not ready for that yet as im on medication for the PCOS and i would like to see if this makes a difference to my weight as it seems my weight is affected by it.
In all honesty i know the secret to how i loose the most weight... i know what the secret is. Dont eat sugar. Guess what.... fuck that. ok maybe not.... but i love sugar and chocolates and all that is bad... sometimes i cant find a balance and its very destructive. I have been destructive lately and its sad. I know i will pull myself out of this.

Maybe just maybe after all these years it is my hormones setting me totally out of whack.... maybe i get in these ridiculous funks because my body just cant handle anything because it has such an imbalance with my hormones, maybe its the reason my depression goes a little whacko at times, it probably isnt but it would be nice to think it is and im trying to gain control of it.

I always wondered why i carried so much weight around my belly..... the part i hate the most :( i cant wear normal tops like chicks because my belly is big and i get paranoid about it and i dont have big boobs to camoflauge it :( The doc tells me a lot of women with PCOS carry a lot of the weight around their stomachs. Who knows if these meds will work but heres hoping.

So there you go... i have probably gained weight due to all this bullshit so thats why im not even touching the scales and until im emotionally strong enough im not going to go near them and that probably wont be until i start motivating myself again and getting back into the swing of things.
I have been a failure to myself these days and its disapointing but im hoping with these few little positive changes potentially happeningin my life i might regain some sanity and move on.

Im hoping and praying to get a TOOL side show ticket in Melb and fly over there for a holiday.... February next year... it would be very good because i would def have to give myself time off for that to go away on the adventure.
Problem is gettnig tickets... im trying to conivince mike to get his brother to get me a ticket because he is on some TOOL website.

Ok i wanted to share these guys with you..... DEAD LETTER CIRCUS from Australia.... they are amazing... i love my country and its amazing music and artists.

Anyways... thats enough.

Hope your all well.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


SO i still dont really feel like posting a big deep and meaningful post. I went to the doctors todaY and they confirm i have Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome.... which creates weight gain among other things and i need to take diabetes medicine to regulate my hormones... i have to much testosterone in my body :*(

It does make quite a bit of sense tho... my doc is hoping the meds will even out my hormones permanently and that ill have even more weightloss. I feel good knowing if there is something im trying to treat it but i guess in a sense i feel pretty shitty to.

On a positive note im pretty sure for Aussies my friends and i are awesome at HAlloween.... so many of us make a big deal of it.... so heres photos from my Halloween weekend and my friends.
First time i drank since the band and i got SLAUGHTERED... i had to make myself throw up a little in the morning because i was so hungover lol.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Im still here....

Im still here....

I havent posted as i havent been confident enough to post.

Everything was a bit blergh, still pulling myself out of the poo but my motivation has dropped down something crazy. Im not eating like i was and the exercise is still ok but not as good as before.

I just feel like im struggling remembering what is guiding me to be the person i really want to be.

I will hopefully update something a little more exciting then this later.