Sunday, October 24, 2010

Depression *heavy swearing in this post*

Is creeps into your life unexpectantley and without decent warning signs it can knock you down on your bum and make you an emotional wreck.

I ve been noticing the signs but havent been onto it as much this time as i havent got many friends to confine to about it (im surrounded by a lot of people but not many i can talk with trust about deep things with and the one close friend lives 2 hours away and sometimes you need someone in person). Im not really talking to my Mum and Dad at the moment, its not as dramatic as it sounds but they have a lot going on in their lives and they dont have the time to talk to me much these days and it breaks my heart... not that i talk with my dad we have never had much of a relationship.

Something just happened that has trigger me off into this emotional ball of bullshit. I just got home.... from Antons (a whole other story in itself) and there was this Aboriginal dude (my suburb isnt a super bad suburb but where i live everyone walks down for access) and he walked along the front of my house and as i was turning my car into the driveway he fell on a brick i had that i put to warn people to not run over my sprinkler and when i saw him fall i wound down my window and asked him if he was ok (this was the screwed up thing as i was trying ot b enice) and he got up and his like "your a fucking bitch, what kind of stupid bitch leaves a brick out the front you should buy me some new fucking jeans you whore.... or ill throw this fucking brick through your window" andim like omg what the fuck i didnt say much waited for him to walk off and put my car in.... i freaked out... i went over to my neighbours across the street who are the nice ones but then i came inside and havent stopped crying since.... im emotionally retarded at the moment..... it set me off because im so sad im still alone.... im so scared ill always be alone and i cant believe im admitting this because everyone thinks im soooooo strong in real life and they think im amazing to be the age i am and live on my own and own my own home.... but its not easy and sometimes id like someone to come home to.... its sickening how sad and lonely i have become and even though the weightloss has made me feel so good in some aspects it hasnt changed a lot of other things.

I went and showered and washed my hair and tried to calm down but instead i stood in the shower crying.
I hate depression and when it shows its ugly head, this has been approaching now for 2 weeks and i havent told anyone (thats half the problem). HEres hoping that this stupid fit im having tonight is the most im going to cop on the emotinal bullshit front.

I need to pull myself out of this shit. ThAT stupid guy tonight didnt help anything :-\

Seeing as i dont have real friends to vent this too... and i have my cyber girlfriends to listen i want to thank you in advance for putting up with my bullshit. I hate posts like this... but this might help me get through this little rough patch.

Ash x


  1. These are the times when you need to post. I went through this last week. Go see your doc....get help...reach out...people will help if you ask. You are NOT alone.

  2. I'll be here to listen. I haven't been able to comment much since they blocked Blogger at work. Hope all works out for you. I've been acting a bit weird too. Lightly punched a man at the grocery store who pushed my cart. He was all apologetic and all which may me feel like shit, yet he started it. Weird how some people react. Sorry you had to go through that.

  3. I'm sorry. :( It seems to be happening to a lot of us at the moment. Depression. I don't have much time to read a lot of blogs anymore, but the ones I have read all seem to be going through similar emotions right now. My solution? Zoloft. It's my happy drug of choice. :>

    I just wanted to say that we're here for you, and it does help to spill out the BS here. You're never alone in blogland! ;)

  4. I think a lot of us can relate. Things just get overwhelming and you feel there's no one who will understand. I do have several close girlfriends but they are all busy with whatever and I usually keep things bottled in too (see my recent posts too!). I hope you're feeling better today. As for the dude who tripped...he was on your property and he shouldn't have been anyways!

  5. LOL TnT - happy drug of choice here is Pristiq.

    You're not alone. Internet friends count. :)

  6. Sending hugs your way. What a horrible way for him to act and even further to talk to a girl. People amaze me. As it was your brick, why was he up in your property? Either way - I am SO sorry that your down. Were around anytime to cheer you up :)

  7. oh sweetie I hope you are okay
    That guy seems a bit suss, just make sure you stay safe and let the neighbours know what happened
    I fricken just finished off a degree in psych and I still feel depressed and helpless most of the time
    you really need to speak to someone about this
    even if it is one of those helplines. I know it's hard to accept that you need help, but you shouldn't feel ashamed about not being the strong person that everyone thinks you are
    If you ever want to email me or chat then do it
    I know exactly what you're going through. There were times where for no good reason I would just sit in my room and cry, to the point where I was self harming and it was horrible. I don't want anyone to ever go through what I went through

    My email is
    email me whenever!

  8. hey ash....hate to hear that you are so down :( All I can say is...we know it sucks. Theres nothing that can really comfort at a time like this ( except food ) and we all are in this little cyber group because we are trying to no longer use food to comfort ourselves. (I'm not doing great at that though haha)

    Whenever you feel crap or sad or like you really can't be alone, jump online. We're all here and hoping that you are ok. I hope things work themselves out regarding your family etc. And maybe it wouldnt' be such a bad idea to speak to a doctor or someone about this.

  9. Ahhh hon,
    I have SO been where you are now and it sucks. Email me if you want, kay. I honestly know what you've been going thru. Is there sometime we can get together? We still haven't done that.
    And as for that ass who tripped over your brick - typical he would scream for something. Pffft.

  10. Snap. Been falling for about a month myself. Just niggling, snappy bullshit but fell in a heap tonight and told Mr Bandit that I just don't know my hat from my asshole. Baby steps & Back to basics is what he reminded me.

    You aren't alone. I'm a big strong 'happy' girl who occassionally gets crushed to within an inch of my life with depression.

  11. Hey you have msn or email or anything!!?? Sounds like we could have lots to talk about regarding out boy life!! Whats going on with you and Anton now?? My email is if you have msn or anything. Anyway. Talk to you soon. xx

  12. Ash, sounds like you're having a rough time too! Seems like there's lots going around at the moment. That must have been just horrible when that bloke confronted you like that! So violent and intrusive. There's nothing worse than not feeling safe in your own home.

    If you are feeling really depressed I highly recommend seeing a psychologist or even getting antidepressants as some of the other girls suggested. I'm a Cipramil girl myself, although I've tried Zoloft and Pristiq. We're all different though and so different meds are right for different people.

    Sending hugs though the broadband... really hope you start to feel better soon.


  13. My mantra is always, "this too shall pass." or to remember that there is always someone who is worse off than me. Chin up and sending you lots of hugs;-). XX

  14. *squeeeeze*

    Are you ready to come back and say hello? I miss you.

  15. Sorry I've been a bit AWOL lately and missed this post. i realised I hadn't seen your smily blog in a few days. I hope you are doing okay and come back to blog land soon!

    I am missing you're smile :o)

  16. Hey Ash, just thinking that haven't heard from you in a while in blog land and hoping everything is ok :)