Depression *heavy swearing in this post*

Is creeps into your life unexpectantley and without decent warning signs it can knock you down on your bum and make you an emotional wreck.

I ve been noticing the signs but havent been onto it as much this time as i havent got many friends to confine to about it (im surrounded by a lot of people but not many i can talk with trust about deep things with and the one close friend lives 2 hours away and sometimes you need someone in person). Im not really talking to my Mum and Dad at the moment, its not as dramatic as it sounds but they have a lot going on in their lives and they dont have the time to talk to me much these days and it breaks my heart... not that i talk with my dad we have never had much of a relationship.

Something just happened that has trigger me off into this emotional ball of bullshit. I just got home.... from Antons (a whole other story in itself) and there was this Aboriginal dude (my suburb isnt a super bad suburb but where i live everyone walks down for access) and he walked along the front of my house and as i was turning my car into the driveway he fell on a brick i had that i put to warn people to not run over my sprinkler and when i saw him fall i wound down my window and asked him if he was ok (this was the screwed up thing as i was trying ot b enice) and he got up and his like "your a fucking bitch, what kind of stupid bitch leaves a brick out the front you should buy me some new fucking jeans you whore.... or ill throw this fucking brick through your window" andim like omg what the fuck i didnt say much waited for him to walk off and put my car in.... i freaked out... i went over to my neighbours across the street who are the nice ones but then i came inside and havent stopped crying since.... im emotionally retarded at the moment..... it set me off because im so sad im still alone.... im so scared ill always be alone and i cant believe im admitting this because everyone thinks im soooooo strong in real life and they think im amazing to be the age i am and live on my own and own my own home.... but its not easy and sometimes id like someone to come home to.... its sickening how sad and lonely i have become and even though the weightloss has made me feel so good in some aspects it hasnt changed a lot of other things.

I went and showered and washed my hair and tried to calm down but instead i stood in the shower crying.
I hate depression and when it shows its ugly head, this has been approaching now for 2 weeks and i havent told anyone (thats half the problem). HEres hoping that this stupid fit im having tonight is the most im going to cop on the emotinal bullshit front.

I need to pull myself out of this shit. ThAT stupid guy tonight didnt help anything :-\

Seeing as i dont have real friends to vent this too... and i have my cyber girlfriends to listen i want to thank you in advance for putting up with my bullshit. I hate posts like this... but this might help me get through this little rough patch.

Ash x

HELP@#()&#POPO#U**%$#&P(@

Oh my.... i have binged so much this weekend...... i bought a ridiculous amount of chocolates and have eaten nearly all of them.

Its not good... im not good.... im ruining all the hard work i have done.

Its like ive gotten myself back into my old ways and it sickens me.... and the problem is that eating like this is making me lazy and tired and that in itself isnt good either.

I feel so sad with myself... eating bad food has made me depressed too :(

I couldnt NOT share this....

Oh Emile Hirsch.... what i would do to you.... the fact that you have been in some awesome movies is just a bonus!

IF you havent heard of him or know if his films i can recommend some wonderful ones... trust me :D

Like how good is Degrassi

OK so the title had nothing to do with this post....
You guys should feel fortunate i dont post nearly any pics on facebook yet here i put them all on :)

My photos could quite possibly get boring though

So last night friends came over my place, they brought take away indian (which yes got stuck) and then we played balderdash and the dogs played outside it was super fun.

Photopost!

The kids having dinner.... love kylies smirk, shes crazy.
Balderdash
Its blurry but i had to show it because this was most of the night.... ridiculous laughter from random randomness ahahah

Ky
Mike
Zombie Daragh
I hate this photo but i thought id put one of me on... plus i washed this top with other tops and i accidentally washed it with something that dark and now its not white white :(
Daragh drew a pic of a penis.... so i took a photo of him and the penis...
OK so your probably WOAH whats with this last picture.... i have never in my life put any kind of phtoos like this on the net.... nor will i ever probably do it again and its pretty harmless but i love these undies and the other day in bed i was like i wonder if i could pull off taking a semi sexy photo, trust me i have never taken sexy photos and i think it ended up being kinda cute.... and i look round and kinda big but i dont mind i still think it works alright.

:D

Im still here......

I promise..... i havent updated really anything as i just havent had the time and i think im paying for it now....Ashlee would like some Ashlee time please.

Ok so this is the well OVERDUE update on Anton......

So as you guys know i went for a walk with him on Monday night.... we went by the river and walked for over 2 hours... i wore thongs (flipflops) and i havent been able to walk properly for 2 days since ... my feet feel constantly like they are no fire.... not doing that again, i need to buy myself a good pair of trainers.

So we walked and talked.... i told him i had the surgery and he was surprised...we sat down for a little and tried to talk about all the past stuff and he appoligised and addmited things i didnt think he would admit too. He said he understood it was hard to be friends with guys like him and Bryce as they are so scattered so it was nice to hear that come out of his mouth too.
He told me he missed me and the old times.... he asked me if i was seeing anyone and i told him i hadnt been with a guy for awhile but yes there had been someone since i had last spoken to him.

SO HERES THE FUN PART..... when i talked about him being with anyone he said his still waiting to find that special girl and that his slept with a couple of people but nothing interesting..... so he seems to be lying about this chick i saw as his g.f on facebook.... im a good stalker i tell you... but they arent friends on facebook!?! thats weird no? isnt like everyone who they are in a relationship with on facebook together unless he is trying to keep her secret or is breaking it off from her.... its uber weird.

It was fun... i miss him. When it is just the two of us its always awesome, we like the same things, joke about the same crap and relate to the same stupid stuff and we both have wacked out sence of humours.... all i can say it was really nice..... i did quite possibly just want to jump him pin him down and have my way with him in the bushes but then i thought i better not scare him like that.
He mentioned hanging out on Sunday and going to the movies.... but i havent heard from him since we walked so who knows... maybe he saw me again and got weird and doesnt want to talk and hang again... i dunno.
Im glad i saw him though although it did bring up old feelings.



Me before the walk :D

This is the huge bridge we walked under

This is the ENORMOUS bridge we walked across

Better photo of bridge?! lol

Him running away from me because he hates how i take photos of everything

smoke break.... ahahahah his hopeless.

Ok this is unrelated but yesterday i went out for lunch and i got a club sandwhich... why i dont know but all of yesterday i just kept getting stuck.... everything i ate hurt going down :( it was a sad day.... so basically i had a few chips and then the inside of the club sandwhich which i still struggled with as well..... this doesnt show the magnitude of how much bread there was and how much bread i DIDNT eat lol..... talk about waste of money ahahah

Mountain of ridiculous bread it was good in theory but failed hard.

On the band front.... get this i emailed my surgeon and basically lightly said what i said to you guys about being unsure of whether i need a fill or not and he simply emailed me back and said "thats what a consultation is for" so his saying basically i have to pay $200 to go and ask him those questions.... why do drs have to be so about money.... that rigght pissed me off so i havent rebooked anything yet more so out of anger but honestly with the way i have been getting stuck i dont really want a fill.... i havent pb'd but i got super close yesterday with how much i was getting stuck even tho i promise i was chew chew chewwwwwing my little heart out.

On the exercise front.... i think i have been pushing myself a lot and need to give myself a little break although the scales havent said much of a change.

Im tired.... i think i need a day off to chill... i dont really give myself that anymore, im literally active like EVERYDAY of the week now whether it be exercising or something in general.

The fact i hurt my feet hasnt helped so that has slowed me down quite a bit.... so Today (wednesday) i havent done anything and i dont think i will.... basically at the moment im doing 2 work outs a day and thats full on.... but it feels good!

I had a super fun crazy dinner at my house last night that i might share in another post and there are a couple of photos!

As for now thats enough from me i think

Ash x

Update! Another quickie ... :P

So i thought id just write super quick one.....

Anton added me....

Anton messaged me....

Anton has a girlfriend.... (this one doesnt bother me as its his ex and they are hopeless together)

Anton told me he missed me.....

Anton asked me to go walk around the lake tonight to talk....

Hmmmm...... we shall see how it goes hey?

ps. The first message he sent me was "funny, i was thinking about you the other day" and my reply was "funny because i was thinking about you the other day too"

ahahaha.

Question....

So i have a docs appointment booked for the 2nd November (which is Melbourne Cup a huge racing festival in Australia) and i have a lunch on that day which means i will obviously re schedule my appointment but more so im wondering whether i really need the apointment right now anyways?

I have a certain amount of restriction in the sense that if i dont chew most things i get stuck, no i still havent pb'd which im happy about trust me but i do get restriction in the mornings and i have be very careful with certain foods but i can still eat quite a bit of what i like which is what im enjoying.

I have created personal balance with my band in a sense.... i eat really well during the week, on weekends i lay off and let myself have some treats and i work out 6 times a week now and even sometimes twice a day with my swims so my fitness feels fantastic and im LOVING it... it lets me work my body enough so i sleep at night but i seem to still be able to socialise and do fun things without feeling guilty.

I seem to be loosing with all the exercise and effort im putting in, so DO I NEED THIS DOCTORS APPOINTMENT? Im thinking i should reschedule for Dec or even JAnuary with everything being as good as it is at the moment.

WHAtS yOUR OPINION?!

EDIT NOTE-
IT costs me $200 for an appointment and i get $113 back on medicare.... but still thats nearly $90 for something i might not need right now.

Im hungry... ahaha nothing new.

I forgot to bring in my optifast for breakfast :( SO HUNGRY arghhhh and i have eaten a banana but its just not enough.

Ok so firstly.... sorry guys but im not going to add anyone from my blog land to my facebook, please dont take it personally, not everyone knows about my surgery and id hate for someone to accidentally say something but dont worry your not missing out on anything because i post all my photos on here, im keeping facebook (hopefully) very simple. PLEASE DONT HATE ME :P

Ok onto other things.... im hungry... oh wait what no, need to stop thinking about food. Seriously since the surgery all i think about is food, i have become more obsessive about it. GRR!

Everything in my life is ticking along pretty good at the moment but i am paranoid about work.... im not going to go into it, things are good but things might change which means i might change and maybe thats not a bad thing.... but i say im going to go with the flow right now until anything happens :D

Man i started writting this at 10am this morning now its 1:30pm ahahah the day has flown by.

Poor Harry is not well and im taking him to the vet today becuase he cant walk on one of his paws and not having my joggin partner is pretty sucky so i need him better ahaha.

My gosh i have had facebook for 48hours and Bryce (who never wanted to get facebook) has already added me.... he was the one from a previous post awhile back. He said he knows things were screwed up in the past and that he wants to see me again... hmmmm we shall see.

So last night we got Mexican woo woo my favourite to celebrate mike getting his braces off... i made him smoosh food into his teeth to fully embrace the bracelessness ahahah then we went to churros chocolate cafe after (lol so much for no chocolate). It was super duper fun :)

Mike and i .... check out his pearlers
Kylie being a dork

Her boyfriend Daragh

Our meals

We bought a chocolate moustache!

so there you go.... last nights adventures.

I felt super bad this morning because i didnt get up and exercise because HArry is sore. So tonight im gardening and then when thats done im going to the pools for a swim... i dont want to stop the momentum im in at the moment, must keep going ahahah.

Just a quicky....

Ok so i conformed to getting facebook... but its only going to be with people close to me because i cant be bothered stalking unknowns ahahahah

On a plus... things are working.... thankgod... all the exercise i have been putting in is paying off and even after eating all the chocolate i did last week i still lost.

Looks like i have lost 3kilos = 6.6lbs in the past week and a half which brings me to a total of 30.1kilos = 66.22lbs lost in just over 4 months.... and now im over half way to my goal..... it feels good becuase things had slowed down so much i wasnt sure if there would be much movement.

No chocolate so far but that might fail tonight if Mike and i go to Churros after our Mexican celebration dinner for him getting his braces off.... he sent me a picture message this morning of his victory food which was a packet of fantails, an apple and chewing gum.... things his hasnt been able to eat for 3 years ahahahah his a dork. Tonight i will make him smoosh food into his teeth just for the pleasure of doing it without any hassles after lol.

ps. churros is a chocolate cafe, i posted about it just after my surgery because i went there with friends... its crazy good.....

Here i was yesterday with my little pretty blue polka dot top for work... i looked nice that day... today i look like poo, im having a fat day blerg.

On the exercise front all is great.... yesterday i got up and jogged around the park/lake... i might take a photo to show you guys, its fair effort. Then the same night i went swimming. This morning i got up and jogged again with Harry (dog for those who dont know him yet lol he does feature soemtimes) did some Wii Just Dance and tonight i wont do anything.

Plans are this week to get up and jog with Harry every morning then do a work out after, each morning im getting in am hour work out which is great so anything aftrer work is a bonus.

No news on the Anton front... he hasnt added me back on facebook, maybe i broke his heart so bad last time he wont be friends with me again ahahah.

Signing off for now spock.... ill take some photos hopefully from tonight to share later :D

Why oh why.....

Sometimes i really hate my obsessive personality. I cant do things to a small extent... i take them to the extreme..... its like with smoking, drinking, eating.... god all of it.

Im currently obsessing over my thoughts for Anton... it just doesn't stop, i swim and think of him, i work and think of him and i eat whilst thinking of him..... why cant i just be normal.

Im considering getting facebook back again... maybe temporarily. If it doesn't work out ill delete it again but i feel like i have put myself in a cardboard box and have segregated myself from a lot of the people i value incredibly.... why should i block myself off from some of the amazing people i know because of my angry thoughts and beliefs on facebook. I still dont agree with a lot of things about facebook and it does still anger me... but for the fact that i miss out on information on music i love and big things happening to the people around me makes me feel like im in the stoneage. Am i stupid in having the beliefs that i do about facebook... should i just become like everyone else and conform to it..... yeah i guess i should, sometimes its not bad being a fish maybe ill just swim along for a little while.

I hate the fact that sometimes im like this..... i will ponder for the next couple of days as to whether i facebook it up again...

Am i kidding myself?

Im eating to much sugar and way to much chocolate... bad habits are rocking the boat and i need this to STOP. This week i need to make a real effort to stop this binge chocolate eating.... its going to slow my weightloss down to nil which is probably already is and me exercising is probably just burning of the chocolate .... this is not good i need to kick things into action and i know that if i cut out half the sugars or all the sugars from my diet at the moment then i will loose weight quick smart with the exercise im doing. REALITY CHECK ASHLEE..... you arent doing yourself any good nor are you reaching the goals you want to in cheating yourself. So there you go.... i put it out there and now its out there i need to follow through.

This weekend.... Hmm has been kinda of average but its ok.... Friday night Mike and i went to a gig (thankgod for mike or i wouldnt have a life at all at the moment) Saturday woke up and pulled out the rest of the main garden bed at the front of my house.... Yep im currently ripping up all the front and re doing the gardens as the lawn has grown into eveeything and i look like i live in a ghetto.... my sister is helping me and its great exercise. So i did that all morning got incredibly feral and hot and tired.... when i stopped i rang my friend JEss and we went for a swim at the pools which was so good and i felt great that i was super active over the weekend. Exercise now is not about it being stressfull and horrible and not wanting to do it... i now do exercise that isnt exercise, its stuff that uses my muscles keeps me active but i actually ENJOY doing :D
Today is Sunday.... i have done nothing... well not nothing, the plants i removed from the front im trying to salvage so i have cleaned them all up and put them in pots so they stay alive until i re plant them.

So now... Here are a few photos which is nothing new... but below is some random fun.

Went to dinner at my sister and brother inlaws house on Wednesday night..... gee wizz this woman knows how to cook.... good old BBQ but its all so wholesome she does everything from scratch and you can taste it in the food.
My outfit for Friday night.... same as the white polka dot but i bought a striped top too and another white one with little blue polka dots... i wear outfits like this all the time because its flattering to my figure, i dont have alot of other things i wear out because they simply dont look as good. My hair turned out good that night and i wore my new big fake round gold earnings ahahah
Another one :D
Phil on the left and Mike on the right.... ahahah i always hang with the boys, specially when its gigs.... Mike is in a band that i help with sometimes and he announced that this SUPER awesome band from the Easter States that i love love love that they will be touring with them but i cant say who or anything because its not officially announced yet....
Mike and i can never have normal photos together.... 1 because he is a knob and has no idea how to smile or be normal in a photo with me. This one is ok lol... we do look like tools.
I liked this photo... but it came out blurry :(
GOOD MORNING! I took this when i woke up ahahahahh i look hell stupid with my lips like that but i like my eyes lol
SEee morning... retarded yawn.
Nothing super exciting about this, i just changed one of my paintings and put my robert plant one up and i thought it looked good.


OK! so onto something very much unrelated but i feel like talking about.... I have this crazy attraction to a particular looking guy at the moment but around where i live they dont exist.... cept of course the two pictures below of the boy i used to hang around with.... wow did he and i have a delusional relationship but holy shit balls was i attracted to him and still am.... he kinda of looks like Bam Margera in real life... a couple of years ago when we were at Soundwave together dudes kept going up to him and being like "hey dude you look like bam" he hated it ahahaha. Ok so getting off track.
I met him randomly at a party, i have no idea how we got close... i think it was because he was best mates with another guy i was super close with called BRyce i will attach photos of him for you ladies for eye candy because his pretty hot. Bryce and i dont talk anymore because he has a drinking problem.... he was fantastic when he was sober and we were closer than anything but when he drank this nasty side came out of him and i couldnt trust him.... i had a huge party for my 25th this year (i should have gotten photos but i was having surgery like 2 weeks later and i dint want to be in photos although i should have taken photos because SO many oh my friends all got together) anyways i ddint invite him he found out and he pretty much hates me now... but i didnt because of his drinking problem and i know its justified.
Anyway onto Anton the friend of his.... Anton had a weird obsession with me and we had the most screwed up friendships.... he wanted me but then didnt want me because i was fat (ewww) we would talk every night on the phone see eachother every few days and nights when we would come home from going out he would beg for me to come inside, which i did but then we would sit on the lounge he would hug and cuddle me and play with my hands all the bullshit cannodling shit but it would never lead anywhere.. it was bullshit. I saw him not long ago and as soon as he saw me he wouldnt leave me and it was crazy and it made me miss him.... but im not allowed to... anyways i have been thinking of him because im attracted to this type of guy and thats what he looks like... sorry about stupid long story. (that wasnt even the full story) point is... his hot... i wanna tap it. LOL

BRyce
Bryce

Bryce
Anton.... omg.... yum... looking at this makes me miss him crazy....
Anton again..... ARGHHHHHHHHHH.

Anton and i together.....

Now... the point is.... here is Mike Patton... incredibly famous... and incredibly HOT YUM LET ME EAT IT.
Another of Mike Patton.
Mike Patton without his shirt on... yum.
John Leguizamos you know him... you know you know him.... YUm
John Leguizamos
Michael Raymond James.... ok lets see who knows what character this guy plays and where his from.... his very edible too.
Michael Raymond James
Michael Raymond James.


Ok soo can you see where im going with the taste of men..... i dont have guys who look like this who live around where i live.... mind you i need to go out more and look more ahahahah... i went out a little this weekend but it wasnt enoughh.... a friend said i need to put myself out there more and they are right.

This was a huge post.... im sorry.....

Although it makes me all nostalgic and i wanna do another huge post of the people i know and the relationships i have had in the past... as well as pics of my ex... and the story of him... not that its that interesting.
I have never had a normal stable relationship in my life so it probably isnt an exciting story about the ex lol.

So there you go.... hmmm sorry for all the reading and if half of the stuff i write is spelt correctly or even written right :D


ps. I just messaged mike to say i missed bryce and anton even tho they are alcoholic retards.... he laughed and said i was crazy... hmmmm his probably right.