Where am i at?

not the best photo but this is with one of my friends from a week or so ago

Good question.....


On the band front i think all is ok, like i said the other day the surgeon is very happy with where i am at so im feeling pretty good too.... but i do no that some of the choices im making and what im putting in my mouth isnt the best but as long as im aware of it i think its ok.


On the emotional front i have been suffering quite a bit with loneliness but its funny because i have been so good.... i think its a balance thing, things cant be awesome all the time so theres bound to be moments when you crash and burn and unfortunately recently that has been happening. Maybe its because its getting closer to christmas and i always seem to reflect around holiday on how i am alone. I have only had a couple of rough nights on my own but heres hoping this week is better.


Honestly the only thing i really look forward to now is derby training and i have only just started that but i think it gives me a sense of purpose and its a decent hobby. This is important for me and i hope hope hope that i can get fit enough and stick with it. My friend who trains with me messaged me last night because she was so excited about going again which was so cute.

Laughter is amazing isnt it? LAst night i went out to watch a friends band which was fun in itself but i had spoken to tim and he invited me over his if i didnt want to stay out and so i went to see the band for a little and then went over his and even though i was having fun with my friends i always see them and do that so going and seeing tim was something different. We stayed up watching The Room and then some skits on youtube..... it was hilarious..... it hurt from laughing so much! I like hanging out with him..... yet another one of those situations where they are probably just friends but i get a crush although i have had a crush on this guy for like 5 yrs now so maybe its fair to say its ok if i have small feelings for him..... hopefully he will wanna hang soon.


Mikes got a new girl in his life which is AWESOME but means i have another person gone to hang out with..... maybe thats why i have been so funny about it all.... maybe its because my bestie has disapeared on me. Oh well.

Went to get a fill...

Went to get a fill and the Dr told me nope not now maybe not ever.... his super happy with how i am going specially with all my exercise. I have lost 7 kg = 15.4 lbs in 2-3 months and he wanted bigger numbers then that but i was happy too.

PS. I joined rollerderby..... my god i have never known a sport to be so intense... its awesome tho :D

Arghhh the wonders of life.....photos photos and more photos

LOL BTW ITS MY 6 MONTH BAND ANNIVERSSARY AND I DIDNT EVEN REALISE... ahahahah!
I guess i should have weighed myself today but ill go but last weeks results....
32 kg = 70.4 lbs

so im very much sitting around the same figures but im ok with that.... i have something like 26kilos to loose over the next 6months and im completely happy with that ;-D

A random shot i took awhile back.

Got a bit random with my friend dave the other night and heres a couple of photos from the adventures...

Dave in his madhatters hat... his obsessed with it.

Nawwww his cute.

Me in his mask he made years ago lol

me before the wedding

wedding with friend

me with some girls at the wedding

me with my friends at the wedding.... you have no idea how tiny all these girls are.... THEY ARE TINY... i feel like a giant fatty next to them :(

Harry in the water a few weeks ago

Me the other day trying to take a full length shot on my own ahahah

Yet another random shot of me

The damage to my car :(

Well yes i am still here watching.....

Im insanely horrible blogger these days and you can blame facebook... it has destroyed and taken over my world yet AGAIN :(

Nothing crazy has been goiing on.... wake up, walk dog, do muscle work outs, go to work, come home go on ellipitcal and then maybe go do something fun with someone maybe.

In general all is same ole same ole.

The band is ok... its doing its job on somedays and then somedays its pretty slack... last few days its been tight so i havent eaten much then somedays its not tight an di can eat whatever... i have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday... i can really afford it and im not sure i should be doing it but i havent had a fill or seen the doc for 3 months so maybe i do need it but i am pretty tight'ish but like i said that changes all the time.

Havent lost heaps of weight but i actually havent been on the scales much.... i know i lost another kilo the other week but it wasnt much.... i honestly think im gaining muscle which is making my weightloss a lot slower but i also know that i havent eaten all that great lately either aahah im having these surgary ice chocolate frozen drinks in the morning and even though i know they are bad for me they actually fill me up for the whole day... i have one at 8am and then i dont want anything until liek 4-5 in the afternoon which is pretty good.... i think?! ill ask my doc... he prob wont agree because they have sugar in them lol.

Other then that nothing exciting is happening in my life..... everything is costing to much... had a car accident and the back end of my car is dented and its over $1500 worth of damage so i have to pay $400 for excess with my insurance :( and i have a tax bill off $180 which sucks.... all before christmas and then i have to go christmas shopping which i have barely thought about.

I also need to be careful with my spendings so i have enough money for Melbourne.... i hope its a good holiday because i probably wont be having one for awhile.

anyways i guess thats enough..... nothing exciting else to say ahahah.

No pill no more...

Last weekend OPIA toured with MM9 one of my ridiculously favoourite bands from Sydney. I have followed MM9 for about 3 years and when i found out OPIA were touring i died a little. So 3 days we all hung out.
On the friday night in Bunbury i sat down with the drummer from MM9 and talked for about 2 hours about life and all its craziness..... his talk woke me up to a lot of things... it was one of the most special conversations i have had in a long time. See pics below from the fun fun.

Kym being a goof with Ebs ET chico
Me.
Ebs, Elisa and myself
OPIA
MM9

Im not on the pill anymore for contraception from my doctors and i have no idea when my period is coming on...... so anyways i should just read it by the ridiculous amount of chocolate i want... the last two days have been insane.... not really bad fatty foods more so just chocolate. There we go.... ITS HERE Arghhhh.

How exciting... everyone wanted to know that.

ps. Christina Augleria (sp?) looks so so bad these days.

pps. tonight im going to my first roller derby here in WA, i have been getting fitter and have been wanting to join derby for years.

ppps. my mum gave me an awesome elliptical trainer and its hard yacker but AWESOME. I have had any weightloss but i think i have been gaining a lot of muscle heres hoping this will regulate soon.

Oh you guys....

**i wrote this yesterday but it didnt post... here we go again :D**

LOL you guys are so funny and crazy supportive.

Everyone says such nice things.... i know people look at my photos and think "she doesnt look that big, she actually looks pretty darn normal" well its LIES i tell you LIES.... the answer is simple.... im good with the camera and can take good shots. Yes these days i do look better in photos... i have less face fat which means my photos have ended up looking better which is good but trust me.... under my clothes there is some nasty shit going on. I have always been very particular with how i dress and how i do my hair to make me look smaller aahahah.

Im a photowhore.... i cant understand how i can be so angry at myself for the way i look yet take a ridiculous amount of photos of myself. With clothes on im a lot more comfortable thats for sure... :P

Its really hot in my part of the world.... just my luck to have crazy heat when im going away... ill have to wear my hair up tonight now otherwise i will sweat my little heart out. I dont like sweating... i want to be skinny and not sweat.

So i cant remmeber if i said it in my last post but i have changed my diet. Im now having optifast shakes for breakfast and lunch with a banana at morning tea and banana or grapes as an afternoon snack.... dinner i will have crumed chicken kiev with salad (the chicken is pretty fatty) which is basically it.... honestly its hard just having shakes... they are satisfying for a good amount of time but not for long long periods... i know when i have my fill this will be easier but i hope how i am eating at the moment is good and gets the scales moving a bit... i still exercise every morning but im not doing work outs twice a day.... im too tired now at night... maybe thats why the scales arent moving grrrrr.

Walking has created some gnarley nasty blisters on my feet, specially from this morning i shall attach photos.... my heals are getting so cracked its horrid... i need a good cure for this or a good pedicure or whatever they call it (you can tell i dont get them).

Finally getting my regrowth died this afternoon, my hair has been horrid... also on a fun note my melbbourne tickets are all booked for me to go ont he 28th Jan.... thats a huge motivation because wanna loose some weight before i get into that plane seat.... that is the one thing that has held me back so much from flyign is the seats.... being tall and having wide hips is horrible :( i feel like a giant freak when im on the flights... hopefully i can have a seat where im not sitting next to someone so i can sprawl out :D

I was going to post nasty pics of my blisters but i have run out of tim e:D

Yes im here... posting with photos... oh golly!

Ok... so im back, kind of. I cant make any guarantees i will be back as much as i was. I have noticed when things are bad i dont want to admit it all to you guys so i need to walk away sort my poo out and then come back and get back to normal.

I would say the last month was a complete struggle for me emotionally and psychically with the band and everything else around me. There was a lot of stress at work which has gone away but has come back again but its ok im dealing with it better in this second round of bullshit.

The band really is a tool.... you gotta work it, if you dont then nothing happens. I feel back into old and bad habits, not completely and i would say not as bad as i would in the past but i certainly wasn't thinking clearly in the decisions of what i was eating and if i was going to exercise or not.

The PCOS may have factored slightly into this as i guess i was saddened finding out that i had it, on a plus side though after more blood tests last week it has come back that my hormone levels are a lot better and are leveling out since the weight loss. This makes me feel positive that i can change the PCOS and hopefully get everything leveled out and back to normal.

Those of you WHO SUFFER FROM PCOS do you find a lot of your weight is carried around your stomachs? Its horrid....

I got saddened the other day looking at myself naked in the mirror.... saddened by the fact i let myself destroy my body so badly... its a mess.... i think back to when i was a teenager and going to the gym and my body was amazing and now i have let it go so bad its just ridiculous. Whats good is that this hasnt made me eat more and be depressed its kicked me back up the bum to get motivated again.

My band is loose as a goose and i can eat anything really if i chew chew and chew... i still avoid bread as i think its better off not having it at all. Seeing as my band isnt tight this is incredibly hard, its all on my discipline of making sure that im doing the right thing.

I still ha vent beaten this whole head and stomach hunger, half the time i think i still eat just for the sake of eating and that is completely stupid but its the hardest nut to crack.

Work is blerg.... coming up to Christmas work is always a PIECE OF SHIT... everything always all happens at once and that sucks. Im not organised and this is causing issues, there are alot of things going on which im forgetting about and its getting me in trouble. Oh well... story of my life!

My love life... non existent... i just cant get that side of things flowing at all... i have small feelings for random boys but nothing major, my current crush is on Kym lol if i find a picture ill attach it... Anton and i are kind of drifting away which is not a bad thing and completely ok with that, he is so frustrating and i don tthink its healthy.

Cant wait for this week to be over because im going away with some bands to party Friday night.... BRING ON TOMORROW its my last day of work...

I bought my tickets to Melb through Qantas online but didnt write down my membership number so now i cant see if it confirmed the sale... Huurrrrderrrrr.

Im finally having a holiday....28th January - 4th February in Melb watching the Deftones and Tool and hanging with soem cool kids.... bring on this well overdue holiday!

Good motivation for me to keep loosing :)

I took this only the other day before i went to a meeting.

This was before i went to the hens night i had to go to.... let me just say i dont get along with bunches of women.... i really do prefer guys... mens conversations seem to stimulate me more the females chit chat.

Me in the mirror beforehand.... the outfit ended up looking super cute.I now fit some belts that i didnt used to and its been perfect because they have been making my outfits look more finished off :)

Yet again another shot...
Heres Kym... his with Tina who im going over to Melbourne to stay with.... Tina & Kane moved to melb.... which sucks because we were all havign the best fun together.... now they live too far away :( Ahaha it looks liek they are together but trust me they arent ahahah

anotherone of Tina & Kym..... i have a photo with him but i look like a bushpig so i choose not to share.

You will see i constantly have crushes on a bazillion boys.... it never follows through. I had feelings for Kym just before my birthday then he got a girlfriend and i got over it.... we went to lunch monday and are going down south together with my friend ebs for a gig this weekend... hanging out with him again is bringing back stupid feelings ahahah.

thats enough for now.

Hope all you guys are well..

ash x

Pop in...

Still here... watching, reading and caring without words... heres hoping i post soon

xx

So what now....

I still dont feel like venting or blogging. Although i will try to.

I cant explain whats been going on and its not all a disaster, its actually kind of ok... i got some bad news about the PCOS but then i get some relieving news the other day about something at work which i have been stressed about now for about 3 months.... now i know that i have no need to be stressed at the moment i can move on and look forward to positive things that could happen.

i dont like feeling unsettled and thats half the problem, things with work were very unsettled and it made me very confused and frustrated for my future and now that that has changed i can hopefully refocus on some important things for my future.

I have looked or stepped even close to the scales. My eating habits have been a complete failure and i havent gone anywhere fast at all. This week i have barely exercised as everything kind of felt like it was crumbling all around me.... i did a little exercise but nothing like i was doing. I know i need to go get a fill but im not ready for that yet as im on medication for the PCOS and i would like to see if this makes a difference to my weight as it seems my weight is affected by it.
In all honesty i know the secret to how i loose the most weight... i know what the secret is. Dont eat sugar. Guess what.... fuck that. ok maybe not.... but i love sugar and chocolates and all that is bad... sometimes i cant find a balance and its very destructive. I have been destructive lately and its sad. I know i will pull myself out of this.

Maybe just maybe after all these years it is my hormones setting me totally out of whack.... maybe i get in these ridiculous funks because my body just cant handle anything because it has such an imbalance with my hormones, maybe its the reason my depression goes a little whacko at times, it probably isnt but it would be nice to think it is and im trying to gain control of it.

I always wondered why i carried so much weight around my belly..... the part i hate the most :( i cant wear normal tops like chicks because my belly is big and i get paranoid about it and i dont have big boobs to camoflauge it :( The doc tells me a lot of women with PCOS carry a lot of the weight around their stomachs. Who knows if these meds will work but heres hoping.

So there you go... i have probably gained weight due to all this bullshit so thats why im not even touching the scales and until im emotionally strong enough im not going to go near them and that probably wont be until i start motivating myself again and getting back into the swing of things.
I have been a failure to myself these days and its disapointing but im hoping with these few little positive changes potentially happeningin my life i might regain some sanity and move on.

Im hoping and praying to get a TOOL side show ticket in Melb and fly over there for a holiday.... February next year... it would be very good because i would def have to give myself time off for that to go away on the adventure.
Problem is gettnig tickets... im trying to conivince mike to get his brother to get me a ticket because he is on some TOOL website.



Ok i wanted to share these guys with you..... DEAD LETTER CIRCUS from Australia.... they are amazing... i love my country and its amazing music and artists.

Anyways... thats enough.

Hope your all well.

Halloween

SO i still dont really feel like posting a big deep and meaningful post. I went to the doctors todaY and they confirm i have Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome.... which creates weight gain among other things and i need to take diabetes medicine to regulate my hormones... i have to much testosterone in my body :*(

It does make quite a bit of sense tho... my doc is hoping the meds will even out my hormones permanently and that ill have even more weightloss. I feel good knowing if there is something im trying to treat it but i guess in a sense i feel pretty shitty to.

On a positive note im pretty sure for Aussies my friends and i are awesome at HAlloween.... so many of us make a big deal of it.... so heres photos from my Halloween weekend and my friends.
First time i drank since the band and i got SLAUGHTERED... i had to make myself throw up a little in the morning because i was so hungover lol.

Enjoy.

Im still here....

Im still here....

I havent posted as i havent been confident enough to post.

Everything was a bit blergh, still pulling myself out of the poo but my motivation has dropped down something crazy. Im not eating like i was and the exercise is still ok but not as good as before.

I just feel like im struggling remembering what is guiding me to be the person i really want to be.

I will hopefully update something a little more exciting then this later.

Ash

Depression *heavy swearing in this post*

Is creeps into your life unexpectantley and without decent warning signs it can knock you down on your bum and make you an emotional wreck.

I ve been noticing the signs but havent been onto it as much this time as i havent got many friends to confine to about it (im surrounded by a lot of people but not many i can talk with trust about deep things with and the one close friend lives 2 hours away and sometimes you need someone in person). Im not really talking to my Mum and Dad at the moment, its not as dramatic as it sounds but they have a lot going on in their lives and they dont have the time to talk to me much these days and it breaks my heart... not that i talk with my dad we have never had much of a relationship.

Something just happened that has trigger me off into this emotional ball of bullshit. I just got home.... from Antons (a whole other story in itself) and there was this Aboriginal dude (my suburb isnt a super bad suburb but where i live everyone walks down for access) and he walked along the front of my house and as i was turning my car into the driveway he fell on a brick i had that i put to warn people to not run over my sprinkler and when i saw him fall i wound down my window and asked him if he was ok (this was the screwed up thing as i was trying ot b enice) and he got up and his like "your a fucking bitch, what kind of stupid bitch leaves a brick out the front you should buy me some new fucking jeans you whore.... or ill throw this fucking brick through your window" andim like omg what the fuck i didnt say much waited for him to walk off and put my car in.... i freaked out... i went over to my neighbours across the street who are the nice ones but then i came inside and havent stopped crying since.... im emotionally retarded at the moment..... it set me off because im so sad im still alone.... im so scared ill always be alone and i cant believe im admitting this because everyone thinks im soooooo strong in real life and they think im amazing to be the age i am and live on my own and own my own home.... but its not easy and sometimes id like someone to come home to.... its sickening how sad and lonely i have become and even though the weightloss has made me feel so good in some aspects it hasnt changed a lot of other things.

I went and showered and washed my hair and tried to calm down but instead i stood in the shower crying.
I hate depression and when it shows its ugly head, this has been approaching now for 2 weeks and i havent told anyone (thats half the problem). HEres hoping that this stupid fit im having tonight is the most im going to cop on the emotinal bullshit front.

I need to pull myself out of this shit. ThAT stupid guy tonight didnt help anything :-\

Seeing as i dont have real friends to vent this too... and i have my cyber girlfriends to listen i want to thank you in advance for putting up with my bullshit. I hate posts like this... but this might help me get through this little rough patch.

Ash x

HELP@#()&#POPO#U**%$#&P(@

Oh my.... i have binged so much this weekend...... i bought a ridiculous amount of chocolates and have eaten nearly all of them.

Its not good... im not good.... im ruining all the hard work i have done.

Its like ive gotten myself back into my old ways and it sickens me.... and the problem is that eating like this is making me lazy and tired and that in itself isnt good either.

I feel so sad with myself... eating bad food has made me depressed too :(

I couldnt NOT share this....

Oh Emile Hirsch.... what i would do to you.... the fact that you have been in some awesome movies is just a bonus!

IF you havent heard of him or know if his films i can recommend some wonderful ones... trust me :D

Like how good is Degrassi

OK so the title had nothing to do with this post....
You guys should feel fortunate i dont post nearly any pics on facebook yet here i put them all on :)

My photos could quite possibly get boring though

So last night friends came over my place, they brought take away indian (which yes got stuck) and then we played balderdash and the dogs played outside it was super fun.

Photopost!

The kids having dinner.... love kylies smirk, shes crazy.
Balderdash
Its blurry but i had to show it because this was most of the night.... ridiculous laughter from random randomness ahahah

Ky
Mike
Zombie Daragh
I hate this photo but i thought id put one of me on... plus i washed this top with other tops and i accidentally washed it with something that dark and now its not white white :(
Daragh drew a pic of a penis.... so i took a photo of him and the penis...
OK so your probably WOAH whats with this last picture.... i have never in my life put any kind of phtoos like this on the net.... nor will i ever probably do it again and its pretty harmless but i love these undies and the other day in bed i was like i wonder if i could pull off taking a semi sexy photo, trust me i have never taken sexy photos and i think it ended up being kinda cute.... and i look round and kinda big but i dont mind i still think it works alright.

:D

Im still here......

I promise..... i havent updated really anything as i just havent had the time and i think im paying for it now....Ashlee would like some Ashlee time please.

Ok so this is the well OVERDUE update on Anton......

So as you guys know i went for a walk with him on Monday night.... we went by the river and walked for over 2 hours... i wore thongs (flipflops) and i havent been able to walk properly for 2 days since ... my feet feel constantly like they are no fire.... not doing that again, i need to buy myself a good pair of trainers.

So we walked and talked.... i told him i had the surgery and he was surprised...we sat down for a little and tried to talk about all the past stuff and he appoligised and addmited things i didnt think he would admit too. He said he understood it was hard to be friends with guys like him and Bryce as they are so scattered so it was nice to hear that come out of his mouth too.
He told me he missed me and the old times.... he asked me if i was seeing anyone and i told him i hadnt been with a guy for awhile but yes there had been someone since i had last spoken to him.

SO HERES THE FUN PART..... when i talked about him being with anyone he said his still waiting to find that special girl and that his slept with a couple of people but nothing interesting..... so he seems to be lying about this chick i saw as his g.f on facebook.... im a good stalker i tell you... but they arent friends on facebook!?! thats weird no? isnt like everyone who they are in a relationship with on facebook together unless he is trying to keep her secret or is breaking it off from her.... its uber weird.

It was fun... i miss him. When it is just the two of us its always awesome, we like the same things, joke about the same crap and relate to the same stupid stuff and we both have wacked out sence of humours.... all i can say it was really nice..... i did quite possibly just want to jump him pin him down and have my way with him in the bushes but then i thought i better not scare him like that.
He mentioned hanging out on Sunday and going to the movies.... but i havent heard from him since we walked so who knows... maybe he saw me again and got weird and doesnt want to talk and hang again... i dunno.
Im glad i saw him though although it did bring up old feelings.



Me before the walk :D

This is the huge bridge we walked under

This is the ENORMOUS bridge we walked across

Better photo of bridge?! lol

Him running away from me because he hates how i take photos of everything

smoke break.... ahahahah his hopeless.

Ok this is unrelated but yesterday i went out for lunch and i got a club sandwhich... why i dont know but all of yesterday i just kept getting stuck.... everything i ate hurt going down :( it was a sad day.... so basically i had a few chips and then the inside of the club sandwhich which i still struggled with as well..... this doesnt show the magnitude of how much bread there was and how much bread i DIDNT eat lol..... talk about waste of money ahahah

Mountain of ridiculous bread it was good in theory but failed hard.

On the band front.... get this i emailed my surgeon and basically lightly said what i said to you guys about being unsure of whether i need a fill or not and he simply emailed me back and said "thats what a consultation is for" so his saying basically i have to pay $200 to go and ask him those questions.... why do drs have to be so about money.... that rigght pissed me off so i havent rebooked anything yet more so out of anger but honestly with the way i have been getting stuck i dont really want a fill.... i havent pb'd but i got super close yesterday with how much i was getting stuck even tho i promise i was chew chew chewwwwwing my little heart out.

On the exercise front.... i think i have been pushing myself a lot and need to give myself a little break although the scales havent said much of a change.

Im tired.... i think i need a day off to chill... i dont really give myself that anymore, im literally active like EVERYDAY of the week now whether it be exercising or something in general.

The fact i hurt my feet hasnt helped so that has slowed me down quite a bit.... so Today (wednesday) i havent done anything and i dont think i will.... basically at the moment im doing 2 work outs a day and thats full on.... but it feels good!

I had a super fun crazy dinner at my house last night that i might share in another post and there are a couple of photos!

As for now thats enough from me i think

Ash x