Sunday, January 23, 2011

Life is ridiculous... one minute its black next minute it is white.

It amazes me how quickly things can change and how the smallest thing can affect you.

I had a very eventful weekend... but it has left me feeling unsure but its not surprising as i have been feeling quite odd lately.

Last sunday i had a little bit of a break down.... (period must have brought on my fantic emotional side). I was feeling as always so perplexed by men and their actions and as to why i feel like i just will never beautiful in their eyes which is completely ridiculous.. .. i know... or maybe its the men i hang around or maybe i deliberately did my own holes because i subconsciously like the challenge? Why in the hell i would do that to myself i have no idea... i like somehow upsetting myself.

Anyways to get to the point i message a friend of mine, he is incredibly intelligent and i cant describe how amazing he is as a human being, we connect on another level and love eachother immensely for just who WE are. I message him the following-
"as you are one of the only males i know that has more clarity and sanity then others im going to ask this completely random/retarded question to one of the only makes opinions i value. Whats so wrong with me that guys just dont even see me more then a friend.. is it because im too intimidating or fat? i know it sounds cliche but its killing me and your views always enlighten me"

His reply was-
"Theres nothing wrong with you, or anyone else. Its neither a matter of them or you, just illusiounary identification with earthly traits, physicality, personality on your minds behalf, tricking you into thinking you are less worth than you actually are. When you are really worth alot more, beyond anything you can think of. You are perfect. Know this"

So after this i cried.... and cried and cried. It brought me back to reality for a whole ff i think like 4 days but yet all these horrid feelings keep creeping back in.

On friday i went out to a couple of places, firstly i saw a bunch of people i hadnt seen for a long time and they were all like OMG you look amazing Ash whats been happening blah blah so my ego was getting fed a little there.... then i went off to a gig and saw a few people (i was in a weird mood from the beginning) one being someone i didnt want to see and all his bad energy was bouncing off me and making me feel horrible but i was doing my best to ignore it. Other then that though i was getting more compliments... and mike came up to me at some point and told me bobby from one of the bands and went up to him and was like "omg you know your friend ash.... DAYYUMMmm she looks fucking hot these days" which was good....
The guy who texted me the amaizng helpful words was there and we went and hid in a corner and talked away from everyone... as he is moving away i got quite emotional and we were talking about how much we loved and appreciated eachother held hands and cried... i certainly dont do things like that in public so it was needed. So that was very special but made me feel even more confused with life and its workings....
After all this i walked back to my car.... just before i got back to my car i walked past two drunk guys and one of them turned to me and said "hey big girl you wanna go on a date with my friend here" so after all these amazing compliments all night it only took one drunk stupid stranger to bring me back to so much self hate.... within that second everything collapsed around me and i was yet again question what is the point.
Im smart enough to know that the person who said this is pointless.... someone not even worth me worrying about yet its not that easy and its something that will probably haunt me for a long time.

I like this boy... as of course i always do.... and i think i have dug myself a hole again where i like someone who blatantly doesnt share the same feelings. I dont know why i do this to myself but it is so confusing.
We went to AQWA (a huge aquarium) on Saturday with him and then we went to the new premiere of the Zeitgeist film and then back to his house.... i love his company, he makes me laugh and his ridiculously smart so i learn something new from him all the time.
I havent told him i liked him but im sure its not half obvious that i do.... so if anything were to happen im sure he would have tried it by now yet im still holding onto hope. I guess i just enjoy the company... since mike got a gf im a bit more alone and im not as good with female company... i dont find female company as stimulating as males....

Im so sick of getting myself into these situations.

2011 needs a shake up but i have no idea how to even start that.

I go on my first holiday in 2 years on friday to Melbourne and the only thing im not looking forward to is the flight as i hate being tall and having big hips on planes.

Im going to do what Alyce is doing and have basically optifast all week before i go to hopefully loose a little.
Ill attach some token random shots so this post isnt completely boring.

ps. I do still read your blogs xx

yeah... thats him.


  1. Sorry you are going through a difficult time. I must say, you are absolutely stunning! Just gorgeous!!!!!!

  2. aww hun your photos are are gorgeous!
    Are you sure we aren't twins? I've been having the same exact feelings about boys and it's driving me insane
    I've had so many drunken idiots say crap that I'm just over it
    But as much as I act like it doesn't affect really hurts to the core and I can sit and mull over it for days
    Life can be pretty shit some times
    I guess it's just our mind playing tricks with us
    no matter how many compliments you get, for me, there is always a little part of me that still doubts whether i will succeed and whether im actually worth a decent man
    i'm sure that there is someone out there for you...and i know it sucks being impatient but he will come along and you will be glad you waited!
    stop doubting yourself, you are such a beautiful stunning woman. just believe it!

  3. I love the pictures... you are worth having a great guy in your life. Believe that!

  4. You are very beautiful!
    I think your friends message rings true... I believe you have to feel worthy, feel deserving of more to attract that to you.
    If I can say anything to help it is that I have spent 25 years with someone trying to earn that respect, trying to change them, always expecting more but never getting it. I'm JUST NOW at age 41 realizing that I deserve more, I am worthy of more and I will expect more from those around me.

  5. OK Random comment from one of your followers. Things I know:

    You're beautiful.
    You seem to have a big heart.
    You seem to have crappy self-esteem.
    Men can sense that and run to the hills...OR gather that you think less of yourself so it's OK for them to treat you like that too. Know what I mean?

    You get what you give. If what you're giving to the universe is "I'm this or I'm that...etc & I'm not worthy of a great man's love and attention" then that's what you're going to get back.

    Once you start appreciating yourself more and not determining your self-worth based on what OTHERS think of you, things will turn around in the man dept. I promise. :)

  6. The person who YOU want to be with will NOT be the one who yells at women walking by - after all if this is his personality I suspect he has few females who want him anyway.

    These people exist but so do many types who we would never consider the opinion of, but because they hit your sore point suddenly their opinion counted!

    I know this is going to sound a little weird, but for me making a list of everything I wanted in a man (qualities etc) really helped.

    It focused on me rather than them and not whether this guy or that liked me. Some things were so absolute that I could rule out someone without getting caught up in the head games of whether they liked me or not, others were optional but preferred.

    Now this might sound like a shopping list and really unspontaneous, but honestly when I met hubby I knew before we went on our first date that I would marry him, he had the qualities I wanted....BUT he was incredibly shy. Not every guy will have made a move just because he is a guy. Sometimes we women have to be brave and take the risk.

    You are gorgeous and have been no matter what your size.

  7. You are amazing and I know its hard, but we really have to ignore the stupid things that the few morons say and only listen to the great things that people who actually know say.

    If that makes any sence :o)

    P.S I just nominated you for the Stylish blogger award!!

  8. No one is everyone's type. Taste differs for everyone. It sucks but that's just human nature. Ignore that asshole's comment about being big. Who the hell is he to say that? I bet his peter is the size of a coctail shrimp! Sorry... hehe

    You are hott and beautiful and one day the right guy will notice this and will make you happy. The in between sucks but it will happen for you one day.

    I gave you an award. check out my blog!

  9. Great pics! That first one is absolutely gorgeous!

    Hope all is well with you these days - write again soon!