It amazes me how quickly things can change and how the smallest thing can affect you.
I had a very eventful weekend... but it has left me feeling unsure but its not surprising as i have been feeling quite odd lately.
Last sunday i had a little bit of a break down.... (period must have brought on my fantic emotional side). I was feeling as always so perplexed by men and their actions and as to why i feel like i just will never beautiful in their eyes which is completely ridiculous.. .. i know... or maybe its the men i hang around or maybe i deliberately did my own holes because i subconsciously like the challenge? Why in the hell i would do that to myself i have no idea... i like somehow upsetting myself.
Anyways to get to the point i message a friend of mine, he is incredibly intelligent and i cant describe how amazing he is as a human being, we connect on another level and love eachother immensely for just who WE are. I message him the following-
"as you are one of the only males i know that has more clarity and sanity then others im going to ask this completely random/retarded question to one of the only makes opinions i value. Whats so wrong with me that guys just dont even see me more then a friend.. is it because im too intimidating or fat? i know it sounds cliche but its killing me and your views always enlighten me"
His reply was-
"Theres nothing wrong with you, or anyone else. Its neither a matter of them or you, just illusiounary identification with earthly traits, physicality, personality on your minds behalf, tricking you into thinking you are less worth than you actually are. When you are really worth alot more, beyond anything you can think of. You are perfect. Know this"
So after this i cried.... and cried and cried. It brought me back to reality for a whole ff i think like 4 days but yet all these horrid feelings keep creeping back in.
On friday i went out to a couple of places, firstly i saw a bunch of people i hadnt seen for a long time and they were all like OMG you look amazing Ash whats been happening blah blah so my ego was getting fed a little there.... then i went off to a gig and saw a few people (i was in a weird mood from the beginning) one being someone i didnt want to see and all his bad energy was bouncing off me and making me feel horrible but i was doing my best to ignore it. Other then that though i was getting more compliments... and mike came up to me at some point and told me bobby from one of the bands and went up to him and was like "omg you know your friend ash.... DAYYUMMmm she looks fucking hot these days" which was good....
The guy who texted me the amaizng helpful words was there and we went and hid in a corner and talked away from everyone... as he is moving away i got quite emotional and we were talking about how much we loved and appreciated eachother held hands and cried... i certainly dont do things like that in public so it was needed. So that was very special but made me feel even more confused with life and its workings....
After all this i walked back to my car.... just before i got back to my car i walked past two drunk guys and one of them turned to me and said "hey big girl you wanna go on a date with my friend here" so after all these amazing compliments all night it only took one drunk stupid stranger to bring me back to so much self hate.... within that second everything collapsed around me and i was yet again question what is the point.
Im smart enough to know that the person who said this is pointless.... someone not even worth me worrying about yet its not that easy and its something that will probably haunt me for a long time.
I like this boy... as of course i always do.... and i think i have dug myself a hole again where i like someone who blatantly doesnt share the same feelings. I dont know why i do this to myself but it is so confusing.
We went to AQWA (a huge aquarium) on Saturday with him and then we went to the new premiere of the Zeitgeist film and then back to his house.... i love his company, he makes me laugh and his ridiculously smart so i learn something new from him all the time.
I havent told him i liked him but im sure its not half obvious that i do.... so if anything were to happen im sure he would have tried it by now yet im still holding onto hope. I guess i just enjoy the company... since mike got a gf im a bit more alone and im not as good with female company... i dont find female company as stimulating as males....
Im so sick of getting myself into these situations.
2011 needs a shake up but i have no idea how to even start that.
I go on my first holiday in 2 years on friday to Melbourne and the only thing im not looking forward to is the flight as i hate being tall and having big hips on planes.
Im going to do what Alyce is doing and have basically optifast all week before i go to hopefully loose a little.
Ill attach some token random shots so this post isnt completely boring.
ps. I do still read your blogs xx
yeah... thats him.