I still dont feel like venting or blogging. Although i will try to.
I cant explain whats been going on and its not all a disaster, its actually kind of ok... i got some bad news about the PCOS but then i get some relieving news the other day about something at work which i have been stressed about now for about 3 months.... now i know that i have no need to be stressed at the moment i can move on and look forward to positive things that could happen.
i dont like feeling unsettled and thats half the problem, things with work were very unsettled and it made me very confused and frustrated for my future and now that that has changed i can hopefully refocus on some important things for my future.
I have looked or stepped even close to the scales. My eating habits have been a complete failure and i havent gone anywhere fast at all. This week i have barely exercised as everything kind of felt like it was crumbling all around me.... i did a little exercise but nothing like i was doing. I know i need to go get a fill but im not ready for that yet as im on medication for the PCOS and i would like to see if this makes a difference to my weight as it seems my weight is affected by it.
In all honesty i know the secret to how i loose the most weight... i know what the secret is. Dont eat sugar. Guess what.... fuck that. ok maybe not.... but i love sugar and chocolates and all that is bad... sometimes i cant find a balance and its very destructive. I have been destructive lately and its sad. I know i will pull myself out of this.
Maybe just maybe after all these years it is my hormones setting me totally out of whack.... maybe i get in these ridiculous funks because my body just cant handle anything because it has such an imbalance with my hormones, maybe its the reason my depression goes a little whacko at times, it probably isnt but it would be nice to think it is and im trying to gain control of it.
I always wondered why i carried so much weight around my belly..... the part i hate the most :( i cant wear normal tops like chicks because my belly is big and i get paranoid about it and i dont have big boobs to camoflauge it :( The doc tells me a lot of women with PCOS carry a lot of the weight around their stomachs. Who knows if these meds will work but heres hoping.
So there you go... i have probably gained weight due to all this bullshit so thats why im not even touching the scales and until im emotionally strong enough im not going to go near them and that probably wont be until i start motivating myself again and getting back into the swing of things.
I have been a failure to myself these days and its disapointing but im hoping with these few little positive changes potentially happeningin my life i might regain some sanity and move on.
Im hoping and praying to get a TOOL side show ticket in Melb and fly over there for a holiday.... February next year... it would be very good because i would def have to give myself time off for that to go away on the adventure.
Problem is gettnig tickets... im trying to conivince mike to get his brother to get me a ticket because he is on some TOOL website.
Ok i wanted to share these guys with you..... DEAD LETTER CIRCUS from Australia.... they are amazing... i love my country and its amazing music and artists.
Anyways... thats enough.
Hope your all well.