HELP!?!

uuRRRghhhhh!

I feel like im sending myself nutty.

I cant get control.... i miss that time when i used to exercise and actually enjoy it. My motivation is 0 and i keep trying to kick start it back into gear but im struggling.

Stupid winter is kicking me hard... i just want to sleep. The boyfriend wakes up at 4:30am every morning and for me its just putting me out of whack as i go back to sleep after he's awake at 4;30 but then when i wake up again im tired still.

I read an article on staying positive and how it keeps you healthy.... *HURRDUUURGGHH* but in saying that reading it has reinforced how i feel about everything.

Maybe i should get another fill?

I hate that i love food so much.

Look... im going insane!

You see those cupcakes..... yeah thats whats screwing me over! I BLAME THE CUPCAKES!

Sleep... where art thou?

Ok.... currently feel like death.

This is not helping anything.

Had dramas with the BF last night which i worked my titties off trying to fix as i always do.... maybe oneday ill explain my situation with him clearly and all you ladies can reassure me that he is like every other male out there.

Get this though..... we were joking around this morning... he was running late for work and decided to just to not go in (he does this often) and i said to him "arent you lucky to have such a nice easy life where you can come and go and be carefree" and he's reply was "yeah everything except for you" he thought it was hilarious... pointing out that im the only thing that makes he's life shit at the moment.
When stuff between us is so edgy and he makes me feel like the worst gf in the world, that joke right there.... was the worst thing he could have done.

I love him but its so hard sometimes.

So now.... im at work ... tired and miserable.... i hate my job more than anything at the moment so its such a struggle dealing with all this... i just dont want to be here.

Sorry this is such an unrelated post.

So unmotivated right now.

So.. What now?!

Ha! If only i knew....


Staying positive.... keeping my head above the water it seems.



I had booked in to see my surgeon but i cancelled.... i really want to give this a good hot go on my own without another fill as i suffer from getting stuck quite a bit now.

I feel the full feeling coming back again with the assistance of coffee ahahahah.


I will give myself ONE MONTH...... HERE THAT LADIES... ONE MONTH.... if you notice me on here a month later and im not reporting any changes then off to the surgeon i go.


How hard is it to get back into exercise?! I am working on it... i will get better... i got to such a stage of fitness before that it didnt feel like as much effort now im back to square one im having to push through the crappy part to feel it paying off.


The boyfriend has gained weight since we have been together.... i think he looks sexier than ever but its affecting him a lot.

We have a healthy eating plan during the week that i have outlined for both of us and he is honest if he slips up.... we also try and push eachother to exercise for 30mins each day. It hurts when he is so upset about his size.... he was a size small now he is a medium... LOL! I try to explain to him i have had weight issues my whole life so i know how hard it is but how lucky he is because he should be able to shed it relatively quickly.


So at least we are pushing eachother.... he tries... (i mean TRIES lol) to stop me from eating to much chocolate but it usually fails lol. ITS MY FLAW.


On a more fun note.... We said we loved eachother last night..... we had been going through a really rough run and i feel like this has pulled us out.

i cried when he told me... LOL LAME!

We are cute...... we went out for dinner somewhere special last night to have some fun as we had been in a rut.

Also.... so you are all aware he moved in with me 4 months into our relationship...... so its been rocky because of that but its getting a lot better.


Things are good. I just need to refocus on whats important.


I feel good journaling..... this is good for my mind too.... i need to vent and I missed this.



Ps. I still think i look pretty good.... just not as comfortable as before.... clothes are getting that tighter :-\

Where am i at now?

Good question.....

I have gained..... in many ways :-\


I have been with the boyfriend now for 6 months.... and dont get me wrong it hasnt been smooth sailing but we certainly did get comfortable with eachother.

Ive gained since being with him 10-13 kilos :-( what a disapointment. Im very glad i am a aware and doing something about it though.

I havent been able to afford to see my surgeon so now i am on my way back to healthy eating and exercising like i did before.
I know what the problem was..... being sad and depressed from my work led me to eating so much more there which i have now stopped... back to healthy eating and i had completely stopped exercising in winter..... thats changed and i back to at least 30 mins a day.

Im thinking positive.... i want to try try try and focus on this blog again for the support and encouragement.... heres hoping its not all talk.

Heres a picture of the boy and i.....